Michaela's Essay On Identity

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Topic

Michaela’s essay is centered on identity and how identities are formed. However, there were a couple points throughout the essay that I felt were not clearly focused on the topic/thesis, like the paragraph at the top of page four. Her overall topic could be considered too broad, but I’m not sure there is a way to tackle this assignment without being broad. And lastly, I did feel, so what?, at times, because the writer relied so heavily on personal statements. If she could rework many of the sentences that read, “It is my opinion” or “I think,” I would feel more engaged in the topic. But when they are phrased that way, it makes me think, well that’s just your opinion, and it doesn’t feel like the writer is trying to make an argument.

Thesis …show more content…

She states that the latter is more favorable. However, she uses personal feeling to get her thesis across, “And it is my full belief that we should take control over our identity.” Also, she uses three separate simple sentences to make this point. I would suggest that Michaela figures out a more succinct way of conveying her thesis using one complex sentence without using personal opinion. After reading the introductory sentence, I have a hard time making a prediction about where she will take the essay. It might be helpful to discuss the supporting work (like No Ext, Lars, and In Search of Our Mother’s Gardens) in the introductory paragraph so that the reader has a better idea what direction the essay will

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