Suffering, Solitude and the Struggle for Identity

There is nothing more central to the human experience than the search for identity, no cause greater than the search for oneself, neither hunger nor peace. The core desire for every human being is acceptance: love. Because of this desire, the search for true identity is often littered with a series of varied facades; a reshaping of one’s inward perception with the changing of social currents. Despite the true nature of identity lying well within the boundaries of the human body, many query these foreign sources in an attempt to create their identity, usually one far removed from what lies within. This reliance on foreign influences when molding the perception of one’s identity creates a crucial impasse in the concurrent search for acceptance. How then, with the constant presence of external factors and pressures, may one realize, to the fullest extent, the nature of one’s true identity?

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Damnit, the blanket is off again! Awakened by the persistent, biting wind, I readjust the thin space blanket and gingerly set my head back on my makeshift pillow; two fist sized rocks and a few socks. Sleep is hard to come by tonight. Having wandered hours in darkness, guided only by our fading headlamps and failing instincts, we are forced to bivouac at 9,000ft; exposed and vulnerable. Somewhere between sleep and consciousness my eyes scan the ridgeline for some sign of the trail, I lose hope; there is no moon tonight. Thomas moves; I am sure he is suffering in much the same manner as I. Jon is shivering audibly and constantly; I should be worried about his pre-hypothermic state but I am far too tired to give it any thought. Tonight is about suffering.

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Suffering is perhaps one of the most prudent aspects of a search for identity. A ...

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...led to me, and tonight, more than ever before the reason why is as clear as crystal. I seek to find peace in the midst of anguish, suffering and pain; beyond which is a genuine sense of humility, a reckoning of the meager human against the brute strength of Mother Nature.

Light. With light a departure from suffering, at least for the present, and a clear sight of the trail. Jon stirs first; he has suffered most; left exposed and cold. Thomas and I awaken shortly after, hurried by his impatience. As the sun’s rays begin to begin to breach the horizon we already preparing to move. Never before has the sunrise brought such joy, this morning I find myself more appreciative of this daily occurrence than I have ever been before, or will hope to be anytime soon. Secure in the integrity of my identity and what I perceive that to be I am reunited with the reality of day.