School Safety - A Modest Proposal

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In this day and age where school administrators consider backpacks, lockers, and baggy pants to be potential dangers to students and faculty, what will be next? Perhaps pencils, pens, scissors, and glue will be added to the list of items to ban from schools. These, along with other hazardous educational necessities pose real threats to maintaining an orderly school and should be prohibited.

Staplers for instance, are nothing but injuries and carnage waiting to happen. A projectile staple, sharper than shards of broken glass and much more unassuming, can take an eye out. Moreover, how many children in this world have accidentally stapled their finger, allowing dirty, rusted metal to enter their bloodstream, causing not only pain and agony, but also splurting slurps of flesh and crimson goodness all over the room, spraying and infecting all innocent bystanders with the newly diseased, hepatitissed blood? Clearly, staplers have the possibility to wipe out entire populations.

Similarly, scissors, with their shark-toothed Edward Scissorhandesque blades, have the possibility ...

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