Revision Stratigies
By
Kara LaMar
English Composition
Richard LeMons
7/24/2015
In the letter to the college adminitstrators, the students’ wrote a letter urgeing the school not to make community service a requirement. The student had many valid point’s on why this should not happen,while the paper had a strong introduction,and a good overall argument there are many mistake with syntax ,and sentence structure. To be taken seriously by the administrative staff, the student needs to consider revising the letter.In the following paragraphs I will be discussing what mistakes I found and make some suggetions of what should have been written, to give the letter more flow.
Overall the letter had valid points but just need to have better sentnce structure.There where many fragmented sentence’s,for example; the student wrote”We aren’t obligated to
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help the community, and it really doesn’t even need help from us. rRequiring community service undermines the meaning of teaching the students to help others . It is a lesson that is useful only if its voluntary.If you make college students volunteer in the community some of them will do a good job,but many of them will fail to show up and work poorly. “It will provide negative P.R.” The two paragraphs should be combined to make one cohesive paragraph.My advice on revising this paragraph would be that they should not begin a sentence with a conjuction. That is poor sentence structure and adds to many words to the letter. Making it wordy,and un organized this will make administration maybe not take the letter seriously. The student should consider changing sequence of sentence,changing the sentence structure make sure they are using propper spelling, grammar and punctuation.consider rvising that paragraph as I had stated before,combine the two paragraphs to make one cohesive paragraph. Make sure what you have written makes sence ,and give the whole letter function clarity. With proper transition throughout each paragraph when writing this letter. Aside from the sentence stucture,with having many fragmented sentence.I did not find many misspelled words,just a few mistakes that needed to be corrected.There were words that needed to be capitalized at the beginning of some of the sentences’s,one way to revise the para graph is to start out by writing; What are we paying for?we are not paying to serve other people,that’s why we pay taxes.We do not have the skills or enough work / life experience to help others.We need to focus on our education.
Community service will not work for the student body due to the reasons’ I have mentioned. With changing words a and the sentence structure it will sound more adult like,and not confrontational.Administrators will not become defensive,the student’s will get their point across,and maybe they will give more consideration to not having the community service
program. Once the student has made these revisions,reread to make sure that it has better sentence structure correct use of grammar like correcting the posseviv form of word like thats to That’s to show the form that is,then correct any problems with capitalizion,punctuation;it seemed to have too many comma’s making the sentences choppy.Once they have corrected those mistakes, havind gotten rid of the extra words,then they need to check their spelling mistaked,and word usage try using words to sound more adult like.Once the student has finished reread it once more to make sure everything is stated propperly. Once the letter has good flow,then they need to look at their word usage avoiding words such as; pointless so that it will not make the audience defensive.Moreover the letter had a good argumnet for not having community service program at the college,but the poor sentence and paragraph structure made the argument week.The student needs to revise the letter with some of these suggestions so that will make the argument stonger while getting the point across to administration without offending them.
Proffesors Comments: You composed a fine paper, so most of my effort has been spent in suggesting style improvements. The opening is strong, the development logical and consistent, the examples well chosen.
Imagine a typical teen, they have a job, homework, sports, and other extracurriculars. They don’t get home till late at night and they are exhausted. This teen can take much more and thankfully they are about to graduate, but wait the school wants them to fit in one hundred of community service into that schedule in order to graduate. How on earth is this busey teen suppose to do that with all that they have going on? Students should not have to do one hundred hours of community service to graduate high school.
This school should not require 100 hours of community service as a graduation requirement because of the busy lives of teenagers, the pressure of graduation, and loss of enthusiasm for community service. Schools should encourage community service but this is not the way to do it.
The style in which it is written is another interesting aspect of the letter. The words used and the forms in which they are used are different from what we are used to seeing today. I found that when I was reading the letter I had to read it very slowly and over a few times. The letter is written in a very formal business-like manner, and that adds even another aspect to confuse a student. I personally, and I would assume most students my age have had little or no experience in the business world and with formal writing and reading. It is a different and many times difficult thing for me and others to deal with.
“On the community side: the student provides some meaningful service (work), that meets a need or goal that is defined by a community. On the campus side: the service provided by the student flows from and into the course objective, is integrated into the course by means of assignments that require some form of reflection on the service in light for course objectives, and the assignment is assessed and evaluated accordingly” (p. 5).
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