Personal Narrative: My Current Development Stage

My Current Development Stage
Can I love? Can I be loved? Am I worthy of love? I am a woman who experienced the anguish of love-loss at a very tender age and these questions capture my prime concern and fear in life. At a young age, I bore the brunt of neglect and abuse from the very caregivers who were supposed to be my protectors. At the age of 16, I was put into foster care. I have experienced tumultuous and dysfunctional intimate relationships in my search for love, connectivity and identity. Now, as a mother, I am learning to give the love I never got.
Based on Erickson’s eight stages of development, I am at the sixth stage of development. In this intimacy vs. isolation stage I am learning to develop and share meaningful friendships and

love through the motherly bond I have with my baby and relationship with my partner. With regards to age, I am at stage 6 but emotionally, I am stuck at stage 1-trust vs. mistrust due to the abandonment, betrayal and neglect I experienced in my formative years.
At the age of two, my parents were emotionally unavailable to provide the warmth, security and comfort I so badly needed. This misstep set precedence for a series of distressing and traumatic experiences. As I advanced into the next muscular-anal stage of development, my parents had not yet learnt the best way to love me. Erickson (1962) points out that parent’s patience and guidance during this exploration stage fosters autonomy. I had neither. Ironically, I still developed autonomy since I learnt to be self-dependent and sufficient at a young age as it was I against the world.
At 5, I had two siblings and I took on the role of model. According to Erickson (1962), this stage tests abilities to undertake, plan and execute task just for the sake of being active. It is a time when kids learn to master the world around them and learn basic principles. Ironically, I sailed through this stage not because I was encouraged and supported to take leadership roles but because I had to. I was expected to take care of my siblings and take care of myself as I was the leader of the pack. I learnt to zip and tie not out of curiosity but out of necessity. I still experienced shame and guilt whenever I upset my parents.
I was a fairly gifted child.

I got A’s and B’s in my class and extra-curricular activities. Being good boosted my confidence but I was always set back by the realization that my parents did not love me the same way other parents loved their kids. I also developed insecurities brought about by bullying. I was, in this 3rd stage, industrious yet inferior.
My problems manifested themselves full swing when I was placed in foster care at age 16, in my identity vs. role confusion stage of development. I felt disconnected, isolated and alone. I self-medicated with dysfunctional boyfriends and food. I was torn between two families. Being left by my parents cut and burrowed deep within me and silently leeched away at my self esteem, confidence and worth. Despite my identity crisis, I pulled through and I was able to go to college, a feat none of my siblings has been able to accomplish.
Currently, in my 6th stage-intimacy vs. isolation, I have looked for love in all the wrong places as I try to find a connection. I have sought solace in therapy, positive thinking, self-help books hoping one will free me from my emptiness. I think I found solace in my child who teaches me to love and make sacrifices each and every day. I am slowly learning to believe in my capacity for love but I am forever scarred by the invisible wound of a lost childhood and abandonment by my

parents.