Personal Narrative: Holes

Holes

It wasn’t very long ago when I fell into a depression, no doubt, my worse one. It was one fueled by the anger towards myself. It was so much anger, in fact, that I’ll never be the same person I once was. It’s only until someone reaches the darkest point in life when that person realizes where they truly belong. I don’t know where I used to belong. Maybe it was somewhere in between the the nerdy and the lonely kids. I guess you could say I’ve never had much friends. I’ve always been the type to distance away from social interactions, but rarely have I ever felt lonely. In fact, I took pride in the fact that I was a lone wolf. I didn’t need anybody and nobody needed me. It was a life of solitude that I thrived for. One where

I had to start going to my therapist again, Dr. Dan, as he was called. His last name wasn’t Dan, so I always found it unusual he used his first name instead. Anyway, every week I would go see Dr. Dan. I really enjoyed talking to him. He was a really nice and funny guy. I told him things that I didn’t tell anyone, and not because I had to. I really wanted to. We would occasionally play chess together, and it always made me feel smart to defeat him. I started to enjoy life more. My father became a stronger influence in my life, probably thanks to Dr. Dan. I remember my father and I made a bookshelf together, and it’s something I’ll never forget. So every week I went to talk to Dr. Dan, and every week I left feeling good about myself, or at least for a few

I fell into the deepest and darkest depression I’ve ever experienced. I don’t know what triggered it, but I felt so undeserving that I pushed everyone that cared for me on the outside. I pushed away my parents, I pushed away Troy, I pushed away Dan, and I even pushed away Kavi. All I did was sulk on the fact that I didn’t deserve anyone or anything I had. I never considered suicide more than in that period of time. So I started completely pushing everyone out of my life. I stopped talking to everyone. I ignored my parents, I ignored Troy, I ignored Dan, and I even ignored Kavi. I never was more angry with myself and ready to die. I created holes in the wall to cope with the rampant hate towards myself. I was so convinced and set on this new philosophy fueled by depression, until I talked to Kavi for what I was thinking would be the last time. She helped me see the error in my thinking, and she fixed those holes in the wall. It was exactly like Troy, but with the roles reversed. Never did I feel more loved, cared for, and most importantly, deserving of the people I