Michael Kimmel's Bros Before Hos: The Guy Code

When someone is thinking of a man, what do they think? Strong? Brave? That’s what most people think; in reality that is a very false image. In “Bros Before Hos: The Guy Code,” Michael Kimmel, talks about what it means to be a man and what it takes to be a man in today’s world. Men are pressured into what they “should” be. If they don’t follow certain unwritten rules, which include: not asking for directions, not giving up, not showing fear, or any signs of emotional weakness, such as tears; they are considered less than a man, a wimp. A real man must be aggressive and brave, he must defend his territory: status, family, possessions. Men blindly follow the Guy Code, they believe in order to fit in, they must comply and be part of the pack.

From infancy to young adolescent boys are nurtured and trained by their mothers, resulting in them to be much closer to them.

The dependency on their mothers can negatively impact their relationship with their fathers. In many cases, the father is no longer part of the family unit, putting the young man in the role of the ‘man of the house’. This in itself has a whole new set of problems. Their mothers teach them to be kind and helpful; yet as young as Kindergarten they are taught to avoid their mothers’ ideas and emulate their fathers’. Why? A mother’s ‘negative influence’ can make them compliant and possibly question manhood. Kimmel states, “Boys learn that their connection to their mother will emasculate them, turn them into Mama’s Boys” (547). No male wants to be perceived as soft or emotional, they want to be tough and brave, perhaps even feared. If they hang around their mothers, they possess the idea they will develop into babies and do “woman” stuff. Kimmel shares a story of a mother saying that her husband took their three and a half-year-old son to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber used hot and painful chemicals in his hair, when the boy began to cry the barber called him a wimp and informed the father that his son had been hanging around his mama too much and that needed to change. The father went home upset and announced to his wife that the boy would be doing sports and other activities with him. Boys learn at an early age that involvement

with their mothers will result in their mother emasculating them. They learn that compassion and dependency are signs of weakness. Kimmel states that “By the time, they are nine they are distant and sullen.” By the time adolescence hits them, they have to cope with their raging hormones by standing on their own two feet, make wise decisions, and not share any emotion. It doesn’t matter if young boys are around their mothers, in fact, they should be around them and learn compassion and caring. It is also for them to be around their father to learn to stand on their own two feet and be the head of the household. Young men need both parents or at least the positive influence from both sexes to become a well-rounded adult.
Every man wants to be superior to their counterpart, that is why men play contact sports, lift weights and workout, resulting in them being muscular, and more “manly” then other men. They further believe they need money, and to drive a tripped-out car in order to attract the hottest girlfriend. Kimmel states, “They do it because they want to be positively evaluated by other men,” they want to be considered dispassionate and athletic. “What men need is men’s approval.” In “How Is Men’s Conformity to Masculine Norms Related to Their Body Image? Masculinity and Muscularity Across Western Countries”, Gattario and Frisen state that, “Young men often view the attainment of a muscular body is indicative of having reached the status of being a man” (337). However, after achieving this goal they are not satisfied and must set a new goal. Many body builders reach that point, they see someone who is bigger and want to become bigger and better. It is like the Mr. Olympia competitions, the winner is the most muscular male example there with the largest rippling muscles. The ‘losers’ return to their gyms to his work-out bench and free weights, desiring to win the next competition. Gattario and Frisen state “Masculine stereotype is closely connected to men’s fear of appearing physically inadequate and their desire to muscularity, physical bulk, and strength” (337). Men shouldn’t have to compete against their peers to prove their worth, they should be satisfied with who they have become.
Men are pressured into doing things they know they wouldn’t otherwise engage in, otherwise they will be considered “pussies.” If they are injured during any sporting activity they are supposed to pull it off, brush it off and move forward.

Boys are influenced by many of their coaches in life; brothers and fathers telling them they must be tough and show no pain, teachers who expect them to work hard at everything they do, and in the back of their minds are their mothers who worry about them over extending and getting hurt. Kimmel asked a few men in their 20’s, “where do young men get these ideas” (the Guy Code), they all gave the same answers: their brothers, fathers, and coaches. One mentioned that his father would always be riding him, telling him that he must be tough to make it in this world, another said his brothers were always ragging on him, calling him a “pussy” because he didn’t want to go outside and play football with them. He just wanted to stay in and play Xbox. Yet another said that whenever he got hurt his coach would mock and make fun of him because he was showing his feelings. The world is a very competitive for men, they believe they must always prove themselves to other men. Men get pressured into doing things they don’t want to do. Men shouldn’t be pressured they should be able to do what they want to

do.
When men don’t follow the ‘guy code’ what happens? Are they lucky enough that no one notices? Or are they pursued and bullied into getting back in the game? The answer, everyone notices, they are punished by their peers for trying to leave the guy code. There are 3 stages of punishment, it begins with verbal the most common one, they are called evil names for doing things differently or not doing something everyone else is doing. The second is physical, if words don’t hurt them, then pain surely will, they gang up on him and toss him around, hit him, kick him and even humiliate him with pranks or jokes. And if all else fails, they can always resort back to option number 3, emotional punishment. They can make him disappear, they ignore his existence, just like what Bill Pozzobon said in the Ted talk “Breaking the Boys Code of Masculinity”, “Poof your gone.” They can do this because they believe they are more manly and far more superior to the wimp. Men shouldn’t punish other men for what they are, they can’t force anyone to be a way that they cannot or do not want to be.
Men think they must follow this code to be strong and brave, that is not the case, if they act the way they want to act and do what they want to do they shouldn’t be afraid of what others think. Young men follow this code like a religion, but as they mature and get older they realize it doesn’t matter what others think of them. To be man in today’s world, men must overtime outgrow the guy code. Yes, he should defend is territory and family, but does not need to prove himself.