The Black Sheep Of The Family

My mother gave me many messages throughout my childhood, each one telling me exactly who she thought I was, and who she wanted me to be. For instance, religion was very important to my Mother. We were a poor family, so all we had to get us through the hard times was our religion. We would always go to church, every Sunday. But when I got to the age where I started to doubt the church, I no longer wished to go. However the look she would give me after I told her quickly silenced me. It was a look of disappointment, one of disgust, and of fear. "How could my daughter wander and become such a so unfaithful?" It was her constant reaction to my doubt that made me realize that I was the black sheep of the family. It was in the way she would praise all of my other siblings when they would go up to the pulpet to get prayed over. The way she would brag about them, as if it was her own doing. Her bragging would bolster their confidence, giving them even more drive to get into the church. Her message towards me made me want to fit into my role, the black sheep. I would skulk about my room, and hide behind my books. I began to put an internal barrier around myself, tell myself they were right, that I was different.

For my siblings they each got very different messages. For my oldest sister, Autumn, she was the good child. Anytime we ever did anything bad, my Mother would say "Not Autumn, she 's too good for that." My Mother put her on a pedistool, a very high one. When my sister who had just turned 18, decided to have "premarital sex" My Mother blew a gaskit, she believed that since we were women we weren 't allowed to have sex outside of marriage. The image of my sister on a pedistool crashed to the floor, and with it my Mother 's trust. W...

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...n I made it a priority, for their approval and for one day getting out of poverty. My peers made me realize that by not talking to them did the exact opposite of what I was trying to acheive, which was fitting in. My behavior then became a balancing act, staying out of sight and trying to make friends.

Cooley 's theory of socialization reflects my development. In his theory of the "Looking Glass," he states that we grow our view of "self" from how others interact and precieve us as. My developent fits that mold. I am extremely self aware, I pay attention to every detail of my peers, I try my best to be precieved as what I want to be. With my teachers I wanted them to see a good student, so I tried my very best to become one. With my peers I wanted them to see someone who could just blend in, so when I noticed them precieving my behavior as odd, I changed my behavior.