A 43-year-old woman lies about her age and falls for a younger man who doesn’t know the truth.
STORY COMMENTS
SALAD DAYS features a likable, high concept premise. The idea of an older woman pretending to be a younger woman and lying to her boyfriend/husband is a great setup for comedy, conflict, and character development.
The script explores the idea of timeless love and examines the age differences between men and women. It poses the moral question if love is ageless.
Given the concept, one can easily envision the fun.
While the concept is solid, the script requires more development.
The first act sets up the ordinary world of the protagonist, Suzy. She’s works for a candy company, she’s single, and doesn’t know how to meet men.
The opening
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scene sets up a zany comedy act in which she and her co-worker dress up like schoolgirls to steal information from a competing company. It’s a bit immoral, but the audience forgives her. The only concern is that there’s an entire conversation about why they are stealing the information i.e. to help their company, but then this subplot is dropped. The story isn’t about a failing candy company. So it feels as if the opening is just inserted for the antics, rather than as part of the main plot. In the opening, there’s a comedy of errors and she literally bumps into her potential love interest.
The comedy style uses physical and visual comedy, which is fine as long as the comedy style remains consistent throughout the script. To note, there’s a very funny moment when she says the bike is fine and then it gets run over by a …show more content…
truck. On the other hand, there are too many gay jokes and one is offensive about not liking blond guys because they seem gay. However, the picnic scene slows the pace and there are many errors and inconsistencies. Characters are re-introduced that were already introduced earlier i.e. Diane, Valentino, etc. Nancy is also introduced but doesn’t seem part of the plot yet. The picnic sequence actually isn’t needed given that Suzy has already met Valentino in the opening and when she steals/borrows the bike. Thus, consider eliminating it. Overall, the pace needs to be enhanced. When they move in together at page 40, this feels like it’s the first act break, but it comes late. This should be around page 30. The other concern is the goal and direction of the plot.
If the story is about Suzy hiding her age from Valentino then the scenes need to focus more on this. Thus make Suzy more proactive in hiding her age from Valentino and trying to act younger.
Right now the series of events don’t feel focused. Suzy’s serial dating is a repeat of Valentino’s serial dating. This slows the pace. In other words, the main concept is that she’s deceiving Valentino, yet in the first 40 pages nothing much happens, excepts that she lies about her age. There’s no other activity that she does to cover up that she’s older from Valentino.
Also, as structured, one sees Valentino looking at dating sites. Then there are a series of dates and one assumes that he’s dating the women from the website, but after the series of dates, he wonders where he can find a woman quickly and again looks at websites. This needs to be re-organized. Don’t take too much time on this.
When they get back from the party, Valentino feels a bit out of character when he shows up at Suzy’s apartment with food etc. He’s too nice and there’s no witty banter or tension.
The idea of the arrest of Suzy, again, takes the focus off of the main plotline and is a distraction. Also, eliminate the brief
flashback. The blowing up of Suzy’s apartment seems unrealistic. Make it more logical – the apartment is condemned and/or going under construction and she needs a place to live. However, this should occur by page 30. Don’t make Valentino sounds too sappy telling her she can stay forever. There has to be more resistance and tension. Or maybe instead of something happening to her apartment, this is when she gets hurt. Valentino feels responsible and obligated to offer his home to her. Some nice comedy can be generated by showing her moving in with her things and the cat. At the end of the first 40 pages its says “Years later.” If structured like the previous drafts, it may not be the best story choice to age them more. Suzy is sweet. She’s definitely good hearted and likable. She’s insecure and this makes her vulnerable. She has inner conflict about her age. She has good potential to be a comedic character, but continue to develop her comedic side by showing how she covers up the truth about her age. Make sure to identify how she grows as a character and how her feelings about her age changes. Bob and Diane are both great sidekicks. They sound and act like natural comedic characters. Valentino is more likable when he’s a bit on edge. Don’t make him too nice or say things like she can stay forever. There’s no tension in that. To create tension and chemistry there has to be resistance. Stan as currently developed seems like a fun sidekick as he helps Suzy in the opening. Josephine is an amusing, comedic character. There are typos: On page 6, close enough? On page 7 is Valentino saying “headless” or heartless? Also, it should be “steal” vs. still. It’s college vs. collage. Twice Valentino tells Suzy that he guesses they will be working together (pages 10 and 31). SUMMARY & MARKETABILITY Overall, the script has strengths and weaknesses. The concept is solid if it’s about Suzy lying about her age. The hook that Suzy claims to be 30 or 33 is very workable. Enhance the pace. Cut the picnic scene and the flashback. The first act break feels like the offer to move in, but it comes on page 40. Keep the comedy style consistent. Continue to work on character development and dialogue. Make sure Valentino is consistent. Work on the chemistry between Suzy and Valentino. The audience has to be convinced they are in love and that they belong together. The audience needs to root for them.
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