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My Husband and I Tried Marriage Counseling for a Month. Here’s What Happened
It all started with a fight. A heated debate over something vitally important–I’m sure of it! At least, it seemed important at that moment. But now, I admit I don’t even remember what the argument was about. Whatever it was, it made me reassess our relationship (as these sorts of blow-ups usually do), and I had I genius thought. Let’s try marriage counseling.
Over the years, we’d been through our fair share of garbage–things like prolonged battles with mental and physical health issues, multiple moves, job losses, financial pressures, and the unwanted delay of starting a family. However, the most challenging of all those circumstances was when my husband, Tom, was
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I became bedridden from weakness and endured an inexpressible level of fatigue. I was intolerant to light and sound, and it was this marked physical decline that landed Tom the lead part as the caregiver in our marriage. Not everyone would have agreed to take this kind of job.
Eventually, the diagnosis came. “You have late stage Lyme disease,” the doctor said with a sympathetic look in his eyes, “There’s no cure, but we’ll try to beat this thing into remission.” His face didn't look optimistic.
Fast forward to the end of 2016. After multiple doctors, many rounds of harsh drugs, and experimental treatments, I’ve made some progress. I’m not yet where I want to be, but I've experienced healing in areas that once looked bleak. Enter my idea for marriage counseling.
Truthfully, I’ve never been much for counseling, but I could see the years of toiling for my health and struggling to survive had strained our communication. As our 10-year wedding anniversary approached, I asked Tom if he’d be willing to go to marriage therapy with me as our gift to one another. While marriage counseling might seem like an unconventional present to mark our milestone, it was exactly what we needed to reconnect, deal with the negative patterns of behavior we’d established, and move toward another (hopefully healthier) 10 years. Thankfully, Tom
Daw, Jennifer. “Saving Marriages: How to do it?” American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. 16 June 2005. 16 June 2005
Being diagnosed with a chronic illness is a life-altering event. During this time, life is not only difficult for the patient, but also for their loved ones. Families must learn to cope together and to work out the best options for the patient and the rest of the family. Although it may not be fair at times, things may need to be centered on or around the patient no matter what the circumstance. (Abbott, 2003) Sacrifices may have to be made during difficult times. Many factors are involved when dealing with chronic illnesses. Coping with chronic illnesses alter many different emotions for the patients and the loved ones. Many changes occur that are very different and difficult to get used to. (Abbott, 2003) It is not easy for someone to sympathize with you when they haven’t been in the situation themselves. No matter how many books they read or people they talk to, they cannot come close to understanding.
Ripley, J. S., & Worthington Jr., E. L. (2014). Couple therapy: A new hope-focused approach. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press. ISBN:
In O’Connor’s biography written by Marcia Dinneen, Dinneen says, “O’Connor was in the hospital for 6 months. Due to the massive doses of ACTH she was given to get the disease under control, her bones were weakened and her hip bones could not support her weight and she was forced to use crutches”(Dinneen). She ended up only being able to write two hours a day, but did so without fail (O’Donnell). The psychological effect this must have had on this independent, aspiring writer must have been enormous. The Royal College of Psychiatry issued a pamphlet to persons coping with physical illnesses. This pamphlet reiterates what I stated about pain causing the person to be irritable and reinforces what I personally witness from someone suffering with an auto-immune disorder. To summarize, the pamphlet says, “…have a serious physical illness. Both the illness, and the treatment for it, can affect the way they think and feel. A serious physical illness can affect: relationships, work, spiritual beliefs, and socializing with other people. A serious illness can bring about feelings of sadness, fear, worry or anger.”
Gurman, A. S., & Kniskern, D. P. Research on marital and family therapy: Progress, perspective and
When I think about the moments leading up to my diagnosis I remember feeling weak, confused, shaky and sleepy. I did not notice that I had began sleeping throughout the day. My body was craving soft drinks like soda and juice but not food. Days would go by and I eventually fell into a deep slumber that I found myself only waking up from to use the bathroom. I knew something was wrong and that if I did not get to a hospital it would get worse. Nothing could have prepared me for the life changing diagnosis I would receive.
In relationships the adage is often proven. A married couple that argues with each other constantly can seek a marriage counselor for advice. Advice on how to spice up or fix their marriage that is not up to par. However, it is entirely up to the couple to fix the problems the couple has with each other. Perhaps the wife would argue that the husband never washes the dishes, never puts the toilet seat down, and always leaves his dirty clothes in the bathroom. The husband argues that the wife does not work, stays home all day doing nothing, is never in the mood for sex, and the least thing she could have done is, cleaned the house and made dinner by the time he gets home from his work. The counselor can analyze the situation, and suggest that the wife occupy herself by having the house clean and dinner ready when the husband gets home from work. The counselor also suggests that the husband be considerate and pick up his dirty laundry from the bathroom, put the toilet seat back down after using the toilet, wash his utensils after using them and he might get his sexual desires satisfied. The marriage problems might be straightened out if and only if the couple decides to use the advice the marriage counselor offered them. If the husband and wife have too much pride, and/or are too stubborn to change, then their marriage will remain the same. Some people are prideful and put their dignity before everything else, others are stubborn and will not change something that they are accustomed to; therefore getting them to change a habitual action will not be possible.
Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has, helped understand better the dynamic within my marriage. I am the type of person who does not like to speak about personal problems with anyone, let alone a stranger. My husband and I seek marriage counseling about two years ago. However, after four sessions I decided to stop attending. I felt that the listening and the expressing of our feelings was not helping in mending our relationship instead, I felt more resentful. I could not understand why I felt that way when everyone kept telling me that therapy is the best thing to do to work out our
Conflicts within relationships are inevitable and some conflict can help strengthen a relationship; however, in marriages and families, many people fail to work through their conflict, which results in unhealthy patterns of behavior. Over time, if left unresolved, these patterns of behavior can lead to a breaking of the relationship. Furthermore, most people do not set out seeking conflict within relationships, but rather they lack the emotional maturity to move through conflict. In fact, it is not the differences between the two parties that create the conflict, but rather the emotional reaction to their differences. Therefore, an intervention is required to begin the healing process of working through conflict. Often a pastor or counselor
In the case of Virginia and Tom the main issue underlying marital crisis that was caused by dishonoring of vows. The case outline that Virginia has discovered that her husband Tom has been having not one, but several affairs throughout the course of their marriage. According to Tom he believes that his numerous affairs did not get in the way with his wife because these acts were not meaningful. Tom thinks that his wife should not dwell in the past because he loves her and he does not want his marriage to come to an end. Tom also, explains that he was not in a committed relationship with the women he come in contact with it was only for sex. Virginia is willing to forgive her husband, but she finds it to be difficult to continue living with him because she is aware of his extra marital affairs in the past. Virginia major concern is that her husband provides no reassurance and tries to use his action as a defensive mechanism.
New York, NY: Guilford Press. Gurman, A., (Ed.). Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy (4th ed.). New York, NY: Guilford Press.
The techniques used in marriage and family counseling can be different. For instance, counselors will sometimes handle family therapy in different ways than they would couples or marital therapy. Both family and marriage c...
Marriage Counseling or “Couple Therapy” is a term that is used to describe a type of counseling a couple attends in order to help them overcome issues in their relationships to avoid separation or divorce. Today, people view divorce as something that occurs commonly between married couples who have difficulty maintaining a relationship with their spouse. For the past thirty years, the phrase: “fifty percent of marriages end in divorce”, seems to have been ingrained into people’s mentality because it has become extremely common to come across individuals who have either been through one or more divorces. Divorce or separation not only affects the couples, but also their children. Having a strong family plays a major part in the lives of children and is crucial for their mental well-being. A report done by a team of senior academics for DailyMail UK found that “the damage caused to a child by divorce continues to blight his or her life as far as old age” and that “parental separation in childhood was consistently associated with psychological distress in adulthood during people’s early thirties”. Not only does the report show that children are affected by the effects of divorced but, the report also suggests that as divorce and separation continues to grow more common in society, the effects it has on the mental health of children does not reduce.
Each day was, and still is, a hard, frustrating and stressful time. This incurable disease has had a dramatic effect over the years starting when I was in kindergarten. I remember when my mother started using a cane so she wouldn't fall when she walked. She could still work, drive, and go on outings with me, her only daughter. In the beginning I didn't know how to grasp it all but I gradually understood a little more each day.
To begin with, lack of communication is a significant cause of the recent rise in the rates of divorce. A marriage is on the rocks when the lines of communication fail. People will tend to stay quiet about money management and job issues, because they don’t want to burden their partner. Most of the time they think it’s easier to deal with it by one’s self, but in reality, it’s pushing their partner out of the room and shutting the door. When this starts to happen, it’s harder to push back. In marriage, one person’s problems is supposed to be handled by both. One will feel neglected if they don’t have a say in a particular situation. Thus, resentment and distance starts growing between the two. Those small problems now become big problems, which result in separation. In order to have a good solid foundation, each couple needs to be heard and voice his or her own feelings. This includes conflict of opinion with concerns to small or big disputes such as religion, children, job opportunities and money management.