Personal Narrative: Kuroi Ledge

The Black Ledge: Falling Through the Darkness of Yourself
Perhaps the only song I've ever been able to attribute as my favorite song is Kuroi Ledge by A Lot Like Birds, and it holds an immense amount of meaning to me. I discovered this song searching for new music as I always did, however there was quite a difference with this song, this band, I could listen to them for hours on end. This song not only awakened something in me, it helped me face some of my worst possible fears, but some of my worst realities as well: abandonment, suicide, and the idea of finding a certain beauty in tragedy. Kuroi Ledge, literally translates from Japanese to Black Ledge, we see the danger in this, the metaphor of a dark ledge tempting us to go further, and

I did.
I jumped headfirst into this song, this band, and we shared many tears, epiphanies, and life lessons I had already and would come to learn. When I was ten, my father left my mother and I, we thus began the process of moving up and down the busy freeways and lush suburban jungles of California. I never had any closure on that moment, one day someone changes drastically, and don't care about the people they love anymore. I often secluded myself because of this, I was from a single parent home, people would always talk about their dads, and I was left out, unable to be a child even. I couldn’t have those father-son moments, I didn't have that close knit rock of a family, my mom worked too much, and I was forced to grow up fast or get lost in the pace of things. I didn't find this song until the last year of high school, eight years later, and I was an adult far before then. This song was so magnetic to me because it was so grounding in a world so full of chaos, turning this phrase in the song around, “Once we touch the ground, we forget who we are...” (A Lot Like Birds. Kuroi Ledge. Equal Vision Records, 2013. MP3), once my feet were on the ground I found who I am.
For once in my life, I felt grounded, felt truly connected to something and that someone understood me.

Which was no strange feeling to me since I turned to music to cope with whatever ailed me, because no matter what, a song, some headphones, and volume turned way too loud was always there. Returning to the supple age of ten, was a disconnect, mainly between the receptors in my brain that determine whether or not I get enough of the happy chemicals, but between what I am, and what I thought I was. I thought I was a kid like everyone else, I would be sad for no reason often, but moving many times, and having to be on my own for a large portion of my early to late teens, I thought it was how life was for most people in my situation. My situation was dreary at best, people bullied me extensively in middle school to high school, in the first string of serious relationships I had they all left because of some arbitrary meaning of what being happy should have been; coming to a peak on Valentines day of 2012, the first time I attempted suicide. Suicide is the focus of the song, how abandonment can lead to hopelessness and desperation to the point of the ultimate act of despair, death. “I guess I finally had the courage to go away. The promises we made were made hollowly. Sometimes you'd reassure me we'd be okay. But you'd always leave” (A Lot Like Birds. Kuroi Ledge. Equal Vision Records, 2013.

MP3).
I attempted suicide once again the summer before coming to UCSC, an abusive relationship of five and a half years ended, my great grandmother whom I was living with at the time passed away, some long forgotten family issues were once again thrust onto the main stage. I staged it all to look like an accident or at least what I thought to be, my great grandmother's property was next to a reservoir that was about sixty feet deep, I tied some cinder blocks together then held onto the ropes attached to them, and thrust myself down. I sunk, lower than ever before, time slowed to almost a crawl, sight fading fast to black, it was eternity wrapped up in a moment. The moment I hit the bottom I let go of the ropes, I came up with coughing lungs and a new perspective, I changed.
When I arrived at UCSC in fall of 2014, I had everything I could want, my life looked amazing from the outside: friends and family, love, and success. The success stopped at the external however, I was self destructing everything that ever made me who I was. Something in me changed, pain I thought I had recovered from was back stronger than ever, my living situation was a nightmare rife with strife, I was struggling with my classes and with my life. This reached a peak come winter time of my first year, my housemates hardly spent time with me, and I had little to no friends. I left my house at 2:00am, and I ran until I couldn't any longer. It wasn't much longer until a bridge crossed my path, I stood on it for awhile, contemplating, then I jumped. “Face forward falling straight for the pavement, Mouth open catching death just to taste it. Twist my body to align with the stars, This is my favorite part. This is my favorite part: Suspended close to earth but very far” (A Lot Like Birds.Kuroi Ledge. Equal Vision Records, 2013. MP3).
The drop from the ledge of that bridge was the longest period of time I ever endured, a drop that collected itself in a thud that rung throughout the trees. This attempt like all others had luckily failed, I couldn't remember a time I had felt a worse pain or regret. I had trouble walking for almost two weeks, and there are some things that are still difficult, thankfully I've never been hospitalized due to these complications, and my doctors believe me to be in good health. Time after time in my incomplete attempts at suicide I see this theme of abandonment project itself onto my life, of friends, lovers, family members, etc. Sometimes even the abandonment of myself, or at least who I used to be. In that sense I believe it is possible to say that I did kill myself, the old versions of myself who I didn't need anymore, they died that February 12th with that blade to my throat, they died that cold day in midsummer at the bottom of that creek, and they died that one late spring night when I threw them over the bridge.
Bridging this gap between killing myself, and killing the parts I didn't like about myself has been a severe point of struggle in my life. It has drawn my life ever closer to music because often only words weren't a mechanic to repair the creaky parts of the house I called my body, often I needed music. As to what drew me to this song in the first place, it was new, odd, not something everybody was into, like me. Also like me, it confronted and pushed to the public world the ugly parts of their life that no one is inspired to talk about. We aren't supposed to share our struggles against ourselves, only external stresses similar to that of poverty and racism, because triumphing over a system is okay, but triumphing over demons that masquerade themselves in your body is not. I've triumphed over myself many times, and to this day this song has been my battle cry to charge into these raging internal battles.
After years of this battling, after ten years of facing these struggles alone, I found someone who understood what I was going through and that became a turning point in my life.

I began to go to therapy, I found healthy patterns of taking care of myself, safe ways to take risks, I found communities I belonged in, and the list could go on. After therapy had gone on for awhile, my psychologist and I found it in my best interest to have a psychiatric support/service animal, which soon after she advised and I garnered all the paperwork necessary to have her with me wherever I may wish or need, I did. If you're wondering if I named her what you're thinking, you bet I did, her name is Kuroi. Adopting Kuroi was the biggest positive change in my life, I noticed after that living with depression, with anxiety, with bipolar disorder, with this long list of problems going on inside my mind constantly, that life isn't so awful all the

time.
The time I've spent listening to this song, to this band, changed my life substantially, and had I not found them I don't know if I would be here today. Today I look at the black ledge I propelled myself off as as a deep journey of self discovery, starting with this song, and ending with the realization that I am not alone in this world, that I have many a companion to follow me through these dark valleys of my life. “That no matter what the weather's like, you'll follow me, follow me? And no matter what I say, you'll take it honestly, honestly to heart? I've got a long way to go and if I do it alone I won't make it” (A Lot Like Birds.Kuroi Ledge. Equal Vision Records, 2013. MP3). With dog in hand and paw, I'll live enough for everyone who's lives were taken from them by the same illnesses I struggle through everyday. Because what wanting to die has taught me, was ultimately how much I've wanted to live.