Not-So-Modest Proposal: Slow Walkers

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Peter Bocompani and Gabriel Healy AP Language and Composition Mrs. Wasley 22 Monday 2024 A Not-So-Modest Proposal: Slow Walkers It is a great annoyance to those who walk with a desire, a purpose, when they are hindered in their travels by the pest that is the slow walker. The slow walker, instead of having the common courtesy of walking at a brisk pace, even simply a moderate pace, elects to walk at the pace of a snail, and to even make that statement is disrespectful to the snail. Maybe a comparison to a mosquito would be more justifiable, not in terms of speed, certainly, but in terms of the annoyance they cause the brisk-walking man. Now, this specimen, the slow walker, has long been a nuisance to mankind, a nuisance that every man and woman …show more content…

This tardiness has negatively impacted him on tests before, as, due to arriving late, he was incapable of completing the exam within the allotted time. Experiences such as this are far too common in school, as well as a universal phenomenon. Like my colleague, I myself have encountered such instances in the most inopportune of moments. The worst of these occurrences took place while walking from statistics class to Spanish class, a trek that takes you across the entirety of the building. I set off on the journey determined to get to class in a timely manner, hoping that I would arrive promptly at the bell. However, my hope quickly began to dissipate, as, after just one minute and thirty seconds of walking, I was stuck behind a group of three slow walkers. They were in no hurry to make it to their class, walking without a care in the world, becoming an inconvenience to everyone else in the hallway. I desperately tried to pass them, but my efforts were to no avail, as they were walking towards one of the few classes farther than statistics: biology. Ultimately, I arrived at class two whole minutes late, fuming with …show more content…

By implementing this new system, consisting of a series of shocks and tickets, we will build a strong, able-bodied community of students with drive and determination to be on time to class and ready to learn. This will not only be reflected in increased walking speeds and therefore fewer instances of tardiness, but a stronger academic focus and increased grades throughout the school, as students will now be more focused on arriving to class promptly, on time and ready to learn, than avoiding the plague of slow walkers that fill the hallways. Thus, we conclude our proposal by humbly requesting that all who share a hatred for those that walk at a turtle’s pace advocate for the implementation of our planned system, as we see it as the only fit, feasible solution to this pressing issue. May every school administrator who reads this sympathize with our struggles and work diligently to implement this new, proposed system into our school, as we cannot stand to see this problem and the horrors it

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