I really love the argument that you are making here. It is fascinating how burlesque has evolved throughout the years. You make a lot of really good points in the essay, and I am interested to see where it goes. You seem to have a really good grasp on what your argument is, and what you are trying to say, which is really good and makes for a strong paper. There are however, some stuff I think you should work on. The first thing I would look at is the structure of your essay. The paper feels like it jumps around a lot. There are several places where I think you could split a single paragraph into several, and add more information to both paragraphs. The first time I noticed this was on your first page in your second paragraph. I think it would be much stronger if you ended the second paragraph after you say “made it okay for women to be a part of that industry”. I think the second part about Lydia Thompson stands on its own, especially because it introduces a new topic with burlesque coming to America. I would spilt this paragraph again after “made for a wild spectacle”, because you go into talking about how theatre was predominantly male, and this feels like a whole new topic. …show more content…
It might be interesting to give some examples of what that clothing looked like, so that there is more understanding as to why men didn’t really know what the female body looked like. After you add more information about that, I would once again break the paragraph. Once you start talking about the location of burlesque, I think you can start a new paragraph. I also wouldn’t split up the information about men. You talk about men wanting to see the female shape, and then jump to the location, and then back to men. I think waiting
Freitas begins her essay using personal anecdotes describing the “terrifying” realization that she was one of the many girls that chose to dress sexier and push the boundaries. This allows for the essay to be
Bordo, Susan. "Beauty (Re)discovers the male body." Bordo, Susan. Ways of Reading: An Anthology for Writers. Ed. David Bartholomae and Anthony Petrosky. Ninth Edition. Bedford/St.Martin's, 2011. 189-233.
Use transitions and make connections not only between paragraphs, but among sentences, too. Play with different types of sentence structures (some long, some short, etc.) and more vivid, descriptive word choice to make the essay engaging to the reader.
From the conventional Victorian dresses of the 1800’s to the rock-and-roll tee shirts of the 1980’s, American culture has experienced incredibly diverse trends in clothing. This ever changing timeline of fashion provokes the question: what is the cause of such differing styles? By considering the state of society throughout the eras, it can be seen that clothing directly correlates with the current way of life. Specifically, American women’s fashion of the 1920’s and 1930’s proves to not simply be a meaningless trend – rather an accurate reflection of the specific era.
Throughout this semester we have had to write many types of essays. Although this is a college English class there is still room for improvement. I made much improvement during the semester of the class. I was able to identify my weaknesses. I learned how to make improvements to the areas I was having problems in. Although each essay we did was different I was able to begin with one essay and throughout the semester turn it into two other essays. I was able to change my style of writing to fit the type of audience I was working with. I will continue to work on my writing and keep improving it.
Many of the mistakes I would have deemed inconsequential in the past resembles glaring flaws now. The introduction and conclusion paragraphs were where the most work was done. In the introduction, I inserted a hook and blended the paragraph together. I accomplished this by adding transition words and changing the tense to fit the rest of the essay. In the conclusion, I completely started over. The original was bland, boring, and just plain repetitive. In the revised version, I outlined the essay, restated the thesis, and ended by suggestion other applications.
The biggest problem I had was not using enough commas which lead me to have run on sentences and sentence fragments. I also had grammar errors like typing “acholic” instead of “alcoholic”. The remainder of my errors can have been solved if I had just re read the paragraph out loud saying things like “was born is Columbus” instead of “in”.
Over the course of Intro to College Writing I have written a total of three essays and turned in. These three essays consist of: Narrative, Profile, and Argumentative. My first essay was the Narrative in which I wrote about the night of my mothers arrest. With this essay. I as a writer was trying to convey the emotions I felt during the experience and describe the many atmospheres that occurred throughout the incident. The only memorable thing from this essay was figuring out how to end the essay in a way that wrapped the entire essay back up in a short meaningful, stylistic way. That I felt I did well with my last line being “That was the first time I had said “I love you” in well, I couldn't tell you.” Through writing that last statement I felt I summed up a struggling relationship I held with my mother sparring details that spanned over years into a simple sentence that echoed around the core concept. This was the only breakthrough I met as I wrote this essay recalling the night and describing my feelings flowed easily and I found myself done quickly. I only stopped to find a fancier word or write a sentence in a different way. Either making it longer, shorter or include more details. I had strong feelings that I communicated the entire situation in a comprehensible and touching way. Looking back on the essay there was much too be corrected as I did in my re-write such as: Organization, fragments, Contractions, comma splices.
In this essay I think I had more strengths than weaknesses. This was one of my favorite essays I have ever written. The reason being was because I knew so much about the topic that I really enjoyed writing this essay. One strength I had was the content of the essay. All of my ideas were supported with evidence. Another strength was that my paper had organization. I started off talking about Marie Deans’ younger years then ended with her older. There was one weakness I noticed I ad in this essay and it was my writing style. My writing style was a little better in this paper but it was not the
In the early 1900’s the ideal woman would be dressed with long dresses and would normally have long hair. Several events such as World War I, in July of 1914, changed women’s role in society. They were not only taking care of the children and the household but they were also taking the role of a man. As men went to war, women replaced them in factories. This caused woman to be more independent. Women realized that having a job was something that could be done; their sex didn’t restrict them from taking this action. This was extremely important as it lead to women being more confident and capable. In the 1920s young women began to change. They went from having long dresses and long hair, to a short haircut and wearing dresses that were above the knee. Women developed a greater interest in looking attractive. According to Russell L. Johnson, the beauty industry grew rapidly as cosmetic expenses sky rocketed from 750 million to 2 billion dollars (Johnson 3). This was one of the causes of the sexual revolution. Women became “ less formal but more expressive (Mag...
What is obscenity? According to Webster’s New World Dictionary, obscenity is the state or quality of being obscene which means that is offensive to modesty and or decency. During the 1930s and 1940s, New York City was infected with burlesque shows. During these times this shows were considered indecent and immoral by Mayor LaGuardia, his license commissioner Paul Moss, and John Sumner. Women were used as objects of entertainment. In 1934 Mayor Fiorello H. LaGuardia took office. Fiorello LaGuardia was a decisive and objective man. Mayor LaGuardia saw a very problematic situation for New York City when it came to this kind of performances. The targets of LaGuardia ‘s wrath were burlesque houses, where strippers had alternated turns with stand-up comics and the other acts since at least the turn of the century (Newyorkmetro.com). Clearly, LaGuardia was focused on stopping these displays of female degradation. It is important to mention that were two kinds of entertainments displays during this time. One group was the burlesque shows, which degraded females by displaying them as sexual objects. These shows were targeted towards the low income and illiterated people. The other group was called Ziegfeld Follies, which was aimed for the high elite people. This form of entertainment was a very refine and elaborated, but also did contain degrading displays. Regardless, Fiorello LaGuardia’s campaign unfairly opposed Burlesque performances instead of the Ziegfeld Follies, since it was politically easier to take action against shows that were supported by the lower class.
My greatest strengths in my writing are my organizational skills and my work ethic, and I have certainly improved on my synthesis, evaluation, and summary skills. Organizing an essay is a very natural process for me. I always follow the basic guidelines for the structure of an essay, which state that one must have an introduction, thesis statement, body, conclusion, and a works cited when needed. The American Marriage Essay, Synthesis Essay, and the Compare and Contrast Essay all have an introduction, a thesis statement, a body, a conclusion, and works cited pages. Formatting the essays is an integral aspect of organizational skills. Each new paragraph is indented, the font is twelve-point Times New Roman, the sentences are double spaced, and the headers are correct in The American Marriage Essay, Synthesis Essay, and the Compare and Contrast Essay. Grammar is also very vital to a well-organized paper. I have shown through my writing that I excel at creating grammatically correct essays. For example the thesis from my Compare and Contrast Essay, “While Andrew Sullivan’s “For Gay Marriage” and William J. Bennett’s “Against Gay Marriage” are both about gays joining in matrimony, Bennett takes an anti-gay marriage stance while Sullivan takes a
...ing or sounding like some type of feminist movement leader. I tried very hard for my essay to relate to women and really show what kind of influence such a doll has body image. In addition, I made sure focus on the minor errors, such as comma usage and word error, I made in the previous essays since I do not want a repeat of their appearance in my third essay. For some reason I found writing my conclusion to be difficult yet again. This is surprising to me because as I was writing the body paragraphs words seemed to flow right out of me, but when I finally made it to the conclusion it seemed as if I had no words left to say. Dr. Knott, how can I conclude my essay in a way that makes it different from what was already spoken about in the body paragraphs, yet centered on my thesis? And is there a way of stating your argument without over emphasizing it to the reader?
When I went through my essay, I first noticed that the sentence structure I used was strange and confusing. With limited writing practice, I was unable to put clauses and prepositional phrases in the right place in a sentence. Sometimes I put too much information in one sentence but did not arrange it in an order that was easy to understand. When I was reading sentences with unusual structure, my thoughts jumped between phrases. Thus, I believe readers will have to put extra effort into understanding the sentence, which interrupted their understandings of the essay as a whole. If I were going to revise it further, I would rewrite long and complex sentences into short but clear ones. For example, sentence...
Dr. Shook’s critiques directed me to revise for the lack of transitional phrases between main ideas within my essay, as well as my tendency to compose run-on sentences. Accordingly, I inserted transitions that connected the major points that my essay touched upon. In order to do so, I used phrases such as “furthermore” in order to create a better flow without compromising the important ideas that were essential in regards to properly communicating the context to my audience. By commencing the process of revising my first essay, I developed the understanding that one of my shortcomings as a writer at the beginning of the semester included compiling numerous ideas into one sentence, consequently making it too “heavy.” By taking corrective action, I separated sentences that surpassed three lines into two entities. I found that Informal Assignment 10: Writing with Clear Style, assisted in improving my understanding of how my style of writing assists in communicating to my audience. Initially, I failed to realize that clear communication is of the utmost importance in regards to becoming an astute college writer. I entered English 101 focusing on incorporating words with over three syllables to intelligently convey my argument instead of focusing on how clearly my argument will be received by my