Practical strategies for helping children heal after a divorce
Divorce is very painful to children and most parents do not realize the depth of the pain that their children are going through as they themselves are often absorbed by their own grief. Studies on children and divorce show that some children, whose parents have divorced, continue to grieve for the loss caused by divorce even in adulthood, especially if there was no intervention in childhood when the divorce occurred.
Some studies indicate that divorce is a great loss to children and they never get over it. Special events like holidays, sports, graduation and marriages bring back the memories of loss. It is therefore important to help children deal with this loss and come to terms
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Some children may develop depression as a result of complicated grieving and the above mentioned symptoms may persist for months. When these changes in behavior are noted, professional help may be needed. Do not hesitate to seek such help for your child before it is too late.
The following practical strategies can be used in helping children heal from the trauma of divorce. Some of these strategies are borrowed from Ron Deal, in his book The Smart Step-family. They are as follows:
o Find ways of helping children express their sadness and grief about the loss as such expressions promote emotional healing.
o Listen attentively and empathically as they talk about their confusion, fears and feelings of loss and sadness.
o Acknowledge these feelings when you see or hear them and help the child realize that they are normal but not permanent.
o Talk about your feelings of loss too. This will help children know how to think about their loss and feelings of sadness. It will also help them to open up and talk to you about these
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When people are not married, the term cheating is commonly used. Infidelity is one of the major causes of emotional wounds in married couples. It is also one of the leading causes of divorce. It has the ability to shatter even the strongest of relationships, leaving in its wake feelings of betrayal, guilt, anger, resentment and bitterness. Trust, which is one of the corner stones of a healthy relationship, is also broken.
The pain of cheating or infidelity
There is no doubt about it. Cheating and adultery are ugly words because they are accompanied by an emotional pain even though they happen too frequently in our society. The discovery of an affair by a spouse is one of the most painful moments in a relationship or marriage. The emotional pain experienced is like that of a traumatic event with various stages of recovery such as shock, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, letting go and
Lisa Laumann-Billings and I (2000) studied the pain reported by ninety-nine college students whose parents had divorced at least three years previously. Below is a graph of the percentage who reported painful feelings on some of our carefully structured items. Keep in mind as you look at these dramatic findings, pain is not pathology. Grief is not a mental disorder. Even though many of these young people expressed longing about their parents' divorce, these were resilient, well functioning college students. You may not be able to fully protect your children from the pain of divorce, and you probably shouldn't try. Children are entitled to their feelings. Children should be allowed to grieve. Still, as I tell you how in The Truth about Children and Divorce, you can promote your children's resilience and do much to ease their
Within his book Helping Children Survive Divorce: What to Expect, How to Help, Archibald Hart (1996) offers parents and caregivers practical suggestions for preventing psychological and social damage that children often encounter as a result of parental divorce. While his credentials as a noted author, speaker, and family therapist draw people to reading this book, Hart’s personal experience as a child of divorce provides his greatest authority in offering useful information on this topic. Hart’s premise is that parents need to realize that children are unwilling and voiceless participants in the breaking up of their families; therefore, fathers and mothers must prioritize finding ways to cushion children as much as humanly possible from
The article “Divorce and Its Effects on Children” by Kelvin L. Seifert and Robert J. Hoffnung states about the effects of the divorce under the children. The authors say “most parents who divorce must make major adjustments in their lives, and these adjustments often affect their children deeply.”(Kelvin, Robert, 1). Most of the adjustments are different by the children gender and sometimes the relationship between parents and their children deteriorate during and immediately after a divorce.
Children who experience a loss through an adult may grieve differently. Death in general can be difficult for children of all ages because they can be confused about the changes they see taking place around them. Parents try to protect them from the truth or from their own display of grief. Children limit understanding and are not capable of expressing feelings in this type of situation which puts them at a disadvantage. Young children may revert to earlier behaviors such as bed wetting, sleeping with lights on/scared of the dark, physical behaviors if experienced in the past etc. Coping with a children's grief puts more strain on a mourning parent or caregiver. However, angry outbursts or criticism only deepens a child's anxiety and delays recovery. Instead, talk honestly with children, in terms they can understand. Take extra time to talk with them about death and the person who has died. Help them work through their feelings and remember that they are looking to adults for suitable
One late summer night when AAM was ten years old, she was cuddled up with her younger brother and sister in piles of sleeping bags on the floor. The pain of the last few months had graciously excused itself that night while hope, instead, was finally welcomed in. She remembers the night feeling carefree; especially once her parents came into join them. However, the happiness quickly vanished and heart-crushing fear began to set in as her parents said, “We have something to tell you.” Her heart began to beat unsteadily with each breath catching in her throat. She looked around to find her little brother and sister pale and lifeless. Her dad looked distant while her mom was epically failing at hiding her tears. All too soon the four most horrid words AAM would ever hear were said. “We are getting divorced,” her parents stated. At that moment, the entire world crashed down around her; leaving her helpless and alone. All she remembers today is her mom’s piercing cries in her parents’ old bedroom, and the terror-stricken fear of not knowing what will happen tomorrow.
As cited by Riely (2003) “No one, neither adult nor child, grieves in the same manner” (p. 213). Parents usually do not tell the whole story of a death to children. “Children are “are not allowed to talk about who, what, when, where, and why a death has occurred” (Riely, 2003, p. 213). Not sure about what is going on, children try to piece together the bits of information they get and sense. Eventually, children “regard the death as a frightening, mysterious, traumatic experience with untrustworthy parent or adult caregivers who offer them no way to cope” (Riely, 2003, p. 213). Death often “elicits shock, denial, great anxiety, and distress” (Riely, 2003, p. 213). Thus, as children are not given permission to be sad and to grieve, “they fantasize and idealize the relationship with the dead. Children try to act grown-up in an attempt to master the pain of their loss and will deny helplessness. They tend to exhibit fearful, phobic behaviors and hypochondrias” (Riely, 2003, p.
The breakdown of a family can have many repercussions on the individual members with the least involvement. The children involved in a divorce are often times the most impacted victims of a divorce. Children with divorced parents are often left feeling neglected by the parent that has chosen to move out, unloved, and often times burdened with feelings of guilt. The poverty rates of single parented households are alarmingly high, and are often the result of divorce. With all these factors added together, divorce is a dangerous and scarring event in a child’s psyche.
Divorce is becoming a worldwide phenomenon, significantly affecting children’s well-being. It radically changes their future causing detrimental effects. According to (Julio Cáceres-Delpiano and Eugenio Giolito, 2008) nearly 50% of marriages end with divorce. 90% of children who lived in the USA in the 1960s stayed with their own biological parents, whereas today it makes up only 40% (Hetherington, E. Mavis, and Margaret Stanley-Hagan, 1999). Such an unfavorable problem has been increasing, because in 1969, the legislation of California State changed the divorce laws, where spouses could leave without providing causes (Child Study Center, 2001). This resolution was accepted by the other states and later, the number of divorced people has been steadily growing. Such a typical situation is common for most countries in the world, which negatively affects children’s individuality. However, remarkably little amount of people can conceive the impact of marital separation caused to offspring. (? passive) Many children after separation of parents are exposed to a number of changes in the future. They have to be getting used to a further living area, feelings and circumstances. Their response to divorce can vary and depends on age, gender and personal characteristics. This essay will show the effects of divorce on children under various aspects such as educational, psychological and social impact. In addition, it will contain data about the divorce rate in the US and present disparate reactions of children. It will also include adequate recommendations for parents as to how act to children after divorce, in order to minimize the adverse effect on children.
Academic research has shown that 41% of all marriages end before their 30th year of marriage (Battams, 2013). Many studies dispute the fact that divorces only effects children psychologically, but this paper will focus on other important factors including emotional and behavioural effects along with short and long term effects a parental divorce will have on children. The purpose of this paper is to present the various types of ways that children cope with the stress and depression of a divorce. Of these various ways in which children cope with the stress of divorce, their are coping strategies that are proven to treat children effected by a divorce.
Divorce is a very common word in today's society. According to the American Heritage Dictionary, "divorce is the legal dissolution of a marriage or a complete or radical severance of closely connected things"(Pickett, 2000). This dissolution of marriage has increased very rapidly in the past fifty years. In 1950 the ratio of divorce to marriage was one in every four; in 1977 that statistic became one in two. Currently one in every two first marriages results in divorce. In second marriages that figure is considerably higher, with a 67% average (National Vital Statistics Report, 2001). One critical aspect of divorce is often not taken into consideration: How it affects children. Every year 1.1 million children are affected by divorce (Benjamin, 2000). Children from divorce or separation often exhibit behavioral and long-term adjustment problems (Kelly, 2000). Throughout this paper I will discuss divorces effects on children at different age levels, how they react, and what can be done to help them.
It is unfortunate that marriages sometimes end and there are children caught in the middle of the marriage but it may be worst for the parents to stay together simply for the children’s sake. However when parents do divorce the children are the most effected by the divorce. Often enough the divorce causes children to feel displaced and also to have feelings that their world is coming to an end. These children tend to grow into adults with either extreme emotional detachment and self-esteem issues or they will have strong family values and try to prevent the cycle from repeating itself but the majority of these children grow up suffering from the divorce.
Marriage is no longer taken seriously; commitment and monogamy are no longer an essential ingredient. For most couples today, it’s not even considered a part of marriage. The negative effects that divorce has on children should be the number one consideration when a couple hits that hard time in their relationship. Children are psychologically and socially affected by divorce and may need counseling either at the time of their parent’s divorce or in the future. They may react instantly by getting lower grades or becoming depressed or anxious.
Children react differently yet similarly in divorce. Every child caught up in the distress of divorce has a hard time coping with it and imagining their life without a parent. Their anxiety levels peak as they feel they are going to be abandoned. They experience feelings of loneliness due to the loss of the other parent. Different children go through these emotions at different levels and at different times depending on the child’s age. How bad or how well children handle the divorce depends on how the situation is handled. It can throw the child's entire life into a whirlwind.
In the world we live in today, divorce has unfortunately become a normal thing in our lives. Many married couples are getting divorced for many reasons; problems in the marriage, either a spouse having an affair, a loss of feelings, and many other types of complications. Many divorces involve children who are young and due to their age do not understand what is really going on. We all know someone who has dealt with divorce. Children are the ones who are typically affected the most by the divorce and they will have to learn to cope with their parent’s divorce at such a young age, affecting them in positive or negative ways.
when a child is upset that a loved one has died, they should be comforted and be able to express