Personal Narrative: This I Believe

This I Believe

I believe in self love. It's taken me 17 years to be able to breath comfortably in my own skin. I can't remember at what age or moment in time where I looked in the mirror and thought my image was every bad thing possible. But, over time insecurities, harsh words, and self doubt snowballed into a toxic self image. Constantly being too much and not enough at the same time began to drive me up the wall. I truly believed I would never be good enough for anyone, not even my own parents. My mindset affected everything. It affected my perspective on life, friendships, academic career, and my happiness.
High grades and a decreasing scale number created a silver plated happiness. It didn't matter

what the inside was made up of as long as the outside was shining through. How could I apologize to myself for treating myself as an image, instead of an individual? I lacked the confidence to go after anything I desired. Fearing failure, I didn't try, so I couldn't fail. I wouldn't participate in my classes because of my anxiety. I feared judgement from others and the feeling of failure derived from getting simple questions wrong. I would rehearse in my head how I would ask for help and say “here”. Afterwards, I would hear every voice crack and awkward pause replay in my head. Caring about all the wrong things, allowed me to not even notice how my own friends treated me. I didn't care about learning as long as the grade would make my parents proud. I was so unhappy without even realizing it. I settled for less and waited for opportunity, instead of pursuing it. I cared so little about my own opinion that I depended on others. I depended and lived off of my parents and friends approval.
Everyone is worthy of love, patience, kindness, loyalty, and they're allowed to be comfortable. No one should see themselves as a number on a scale or give people the power to make them feel less of themselves. Finding my own inner beauty helped me see the beauty all around me. I find beauty in everything, even if it's not appealing to the eye. I searched for love when its been inside me all along. I didn't fall in love with myself. I simply stopped rejecting everything I truly was. There are days that I can't shake off what I feel, but I won't allow myself to fall. I cannot live in fear any longer. Chasing my boogeyman and learning from my mistakes has helped me grow. There is strength to being vulnerable and soft. I will try, and I will fail, but I will not give up, just because it isn't easy. I learned to get back up even if I fall. I always believed I was just trying to find myself, but I was never lost. I've been here this whole time. Now, I'm just a stronger version of who I once was. I am the happiest and strongest I've ever been.