Personal Narrative: Homophobia

I walked up the stairs, clutching the small cardboard box in my hands, a box that could change everything. The stairs came to an end, and the door came into view. How could I have known so much can change in such a short period of time? It felt like the accident happened yesterday, and what seemed like an event for mourning turned out to be an event that brought us together.

Last thing I remember was the screaming of rubber on asphalt, before the entire car flipped. Now I lay in a hospital bed, staring at a man ramble on endlessly on the television. In the bed next to me lays an unconscious girl, maybe Isabella. Her charcoal black hair is spread over the pillow; bloodied scratches and bruises riddle her face. An oxygen mask is connected to her face, followed with a steady rise and

fall of her chest. She seems to be dreaming, a good dream at that. Her lips pressed together, her nose perfectly rounded...realizing that I had begun to stare, I turned my attention to the t.v.

That was the first time I had actually seen Isabella, despite have knowing her family and her for six years. It wasn’t long before I got her number and we started to talk. What started as discussions about the accident soon drifted into different topics. After only one month, I felt like I had known her for years. Everything was amazing, colors were more vibrant than ever, food never tasted better, and every morning I would wake up knowing I would talk to her. Slowly, I began to take her for granted, and I should’ve remembered that fate is a cruel master. But I didn’t, and one night while I was exercising at the gym, it happened.

It was an ordinary evening, lifting weights at the gym and creating a heavy sweat.
BUZZ
BUZZ
BUZZ
I reach into my pocket and check my phone. It’s Isabella.

“Jason, I need to talk to you. Seriously, I’m freaking out. You’re the only one I can talk to about this, please pick up.” Strange, I wonder what’s up with her.

“Hey, it’s me, what’s up? Are you okay?”

“Jason, idk I feel so weird, and I can’t explain this, can I call you?”

“Go for it.” I head out of the gym. My heart began to beat faster, and it wasn’t because of the exercises. My phone rings and I pick it up. “Isabella I’m here, so spill.”

“I don’t know its been happening for some time andI’mafraidbutI’mnotsureitsrealandI’mfreakingoutand…”

“Woah, take a breath. It’s alright, I’m here. Now take it from the top, slowly.”

“Well, as you may know by now, I haven’t really clicked with other girls, and I prefer just chilling with dudes, ya know? I’m always nervous when I talk with girls. They just seem so...beautiful. Shit, I shouldn’t have said that. Thatwasthewrongwordimeanttosayohshitumm...”

My heart dropped. I don’t know why, but I got the worst feeling when I heard those words. It felt like my stomach had crawled into my mouth. But why, I don’t have anything against homosexuals.

“It’s alright, you don’t need to worry, for the six months you’ve known me, have I ever hurt you? No, so go on, I think you need to get this all sorted out.”

“Wow, thanks. Umm...so yeah, I find girls hot. But I’m not sure if that makes me a...lesbian? I don’t know, I’ve always joked about this, but I never thought it could actually happen. Oh and you know if you tell anyone I’mma need to kill you.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. So what, you’re...uhh...homosexual? Hey, hey, I mean it’s cool. It's all right. I’m chill with that.” I said, but couldn’t get rid of the feeling. The pit in my stomach kept growing.
Isabella laughs.

“Okay Jason, okay. But seriously, my parents are incredibly homophobic. Like they’re-going-to-leave-me homophobic. I can’t tell them any of this.”

“Can I be serious for a moment?”

“Sure”

“No parent will leave their kids for something as small as being homosexual. And if they do, well then they’re not worth having around.”

“I guess you’re right...umm anyway, I need some time to sort this all out.”

“You sure? I mean you’ll be alright? We can change the subject if you want?”

And that was it. She didn’t respond to any texts, calls, or even emails. It lasted for about a month when she texted me this.
“I don’t know you, we never met, we never talked. Don’t talk to me ever again.”
I was baffled, I was confused, but worst of all, I was hurt. I mean how could she have done this? No explanation, no reason, nothing. The first week was filled with denial. I didn’t believe it. But as time passed, the reality of it sank in. That entire year, all those late night conversations, everything, all in vain. We shared conversations about our future, we helped each other when we were down, and now it had all disappeared without a sight. I mean, we weren’t even in a relationship

yet…

All that didn’t matter now, now I have to tell her what’s on my mind, what’s been on my mind for some time now. I ringed the doorbell, and then waited. And waited. And waited. Footsteps could be heard behind the door, but the door didn’t open. Eventually the door creaks open. Isabella’s mother stands there and says,

“Hello Jason, what are you doing here?” Her voice was stern, unforgiving. It reminded me of the last thing Isabella told me about her parents.

“Can I see Isabella, please?” A frown appeared as soon as I mentioned Isabella’s name.

“Isabella doesn’t want any visitors.” She slowly began to close the door.

“Wait. You didn’t even ask her. Just please, I need to give her this box.” I held out the box for her to see. My face began to feel hot, and my vision became blurry. Isabella’s mother stared at the box for a while, and then back at me. With a sigh, she left, and moments later, someone else came back. It was a girl in a white gown, with her hair down and her light brown complexion. It was a complete stranger, but this stranger had the same perfectly rounded nose.

“What is it? I thought I told you not to talk to me. What part of that wasn’t clear.” Isabella stared daggers at me. My heart dropped and my throat tightened up. Vomit crawled up my throat, burning its way through my insides. This wasn’t her, it couldn’t be. She looked the same, but I knew, my Isabella was gone, but I still had to say what I had to say. I took a deep breath and said,

“I had to meet you, it’s your birthday. Plus, you’re ‘instructions’ were really vague. I gave you some space, but now I have to know, is it me? Is something happening at home? What's wrong?” Isabella glanced at the box, and then back at me, her face lacking any emotion of any kind.

“Jason, you were always the problem. You took advantage of me when I was weak, all to try to get in my pants. Then you convince me that I was a lesbian. What are you trying to do to me, huh? What’s your end goal, to ruin my life? Gosh, I’m glad I cut such a toxic person out of my life.” All the blood left my face. I looked down and saw my fingers digging into the cardboard box. My heart began to race and my jaw clenched down.

“That’s what you think?” I whispered. “THAT’S WHAT YOU THINK I WAS TRYING TO DO ALL THIS TIME. I just wanted to be a FRIEND. I wanted to help you, I wanted to support you. FUCK SEX, YOU THINK THAT’S WHAT I WANTED? And I came here to make sure if everything was okay. I even made this FUCKING GIFT FOR YOU. You know what, bitches like you can go to HELL. FUCK ME, I’M LEAVING.” I didn’t care if she said anything else because I was gone. My entire life I had seen dudes hurt girls, and I thought, hey let's not be like that. Let’s be like the good guy, the one who’s there for others. But if this is what it fucking gets me, then I’ll just be the bad guy, ‘cause that’s what they see me as already.

By the time I got home, it was already dark. I went to my room and threw the box on the floor. It opened and pictures of Isabella and me fell out, each with a meaningful caption. And right next to the chocolates was a letter, a letter that I now wish was never written. My heart was still rushing, and the room started to spin. It began to feel like small spiders were crawling up my arms, and I watched as my hand grabbed a lighter. A small flame came alive, and then my hand dropped the lighter onto the box. I began to gasp for air, but nothing was coming in. I stumbled over my bed and fell down.

Watching in terror, the small flame grew, eating away at the pictures, making them curl up into small black balls. The flame spread across the floor, and the heat warmed up my face. Get up, get up, I told myself. My body laughed at me in disobedience. The flames began to bite at my legs and arms, but the pain seemed distant. My heart beat had slowed down, and I came to peace with myself. As the ominous smoke filled the room, I could hear distant shouting, but it didn’t matter now, nothing did. I slowly closed my eyes and took one final breath...