Battling America's Obesity: A Dietary Crusader's Tale

Hired to fix the dietary habits of America, a frustrated woman’s life is consumed with fighting an insatiable nemesis who’s in the business of making America fat, as the obesity crisis grows.

BRIEF SYNOPSIS
After the death of her father, who died from an unhealthy life style, Doris dedicates her life to change the way America eats. She’s hired by the USDA to fix the dietary habits of Americans. However, in the process, Doris faces an insatiable nemesis Ted, who markets corn syrup to the food industry and becomes rich off it.
Doris creates a food pyramid to demonstrate a more balanced and healthier way of eating, but she’s greeted by strong oppositions from Ted, the food industry, and from political lobbyists. Everyone is addicted to sugar

as the obesity crisis grows.
Doris fights an uphill battle. When she has to fight her own boss, she gives up and quits. She goes to work for the American Heart Association where she still advocates for healthy eating habits. Corruption is revealed as bribes in the industry are exposed and people are arrested.
Ted faces a fraud investigation.

Doris vows never to give up the good fight.

STORY COMMENTS
SPOON FED is a smart title for this a satirical dramedy or dark comedy that is inspired by actual events that focuses on the food industry and the obesity crisis in America. The script captures a sarcastic and sardonic tone as it explores America’s obsession with sugar and one woman’s consuming life battle for a healthier America. The tone is actually engaging.
The topic is absolutely relevant and explores man’s obsession with food, especially sugar. Ironically, it’s a bittersweet story in which the battle for a healthier America is met by strong opposition from all sides. The script examines the theme of self-control. The script is well researched.
While the message is loud and clear and the themes strong, the overall script would benefit from more development. The areas to discuss include the structure and the style of storytelling, the tension, and the pace, as well as further character development.
The script begins strongly. The obesity chart and opening voiceovers set the tone and the audience is easily pulled into this world. Doris’s goal is well defined, but the stakes are not as well defined for Doris, as it is for the consumer. Thus, unfortunately, as the script progresses, it feels more like a history and educational lesson about the food industry rather than a real

story.
Essentially, the main concern about the script is that it’s presented as more of a historical journey about the food industry rather than a story about a woman’s all-consuming battle for justice. Throughout the entire script Doris narrates, tells, and explains the story rather than the story unfolding in real time. In other words, Doris tells the audience what happens versus the script showing what happens.
This type of storytelling through a series of voiceovers makes the pace feel sluggish. The script relies too much on dialogue rather than visual storytelling. Throughout the first half of the script, Doris mainly narrates versus being a proactive character. It’s not until about page 58 that Doris becomes proactive when she releases her food pyramid. However, even this is brief and then the story continues to be narrated versus being shown.

Thus, reconsider the structure. The audience doesn’t want to hear Doris tell the story throughout the entire script. They want to see Doris in action. For example, when she is shown sabotaging Ted’s car it’s fun. This is because it requires action and it’s visual. There’s more tension and the threat of her getting caught.
While there’s plenty of conflict and obstacles, most of it is told to the audience rather shown. In fact, Ted is a terrific nemesis. He’s crude, he’s dismissive, and he’s smarmy. It’s effortless to loath Ted and what he stands for. He’s selfish and focused purely on gluttony and greed. He makes for a terrific foe. However, his story is also mainly told. In addition, then there’s a time where he goes missing and Ronson takes over this role and then it transitions back to Ted.
It’s going to be challenging to market a script that’s told almost entirely using voiceovers. Constantly using VO to tell the story makes it feel like the real story hasn’t begun yet. Thus, consider restructuring to have the opening voiceover and then tell the story in real time as it spans the years, and then at the end bookend it with a voiceover.
Make Doris more proactive throughout the entire script and show how Ted (and others) hinder her abilities. Also, balance this with her personal life. She has a great backstory about her father and this gives her inner conflict and motivation, but her life with her husband isn’t well explored. The brief glimpses into her life at home are fun. It’s ironic to see her husband eating junk food as she works all day fighting this. It’s a lot of fun to watch Doris become impulsive and sneak in some unhealthy food habits. This makes her flawed but real.
Essentially, the characters are great. It’s easy to like Doris. She has inner conflict about her father. While she couldn’t save him, she’s determined to help save others. Outwardly she’s presents with a strong demeanor. She holds her own in a room with all men. She seems to be able to handle Ted and his rude remarks. She can dish it out. She’s has some quirky character beats when she sabotages Ted’s car. She’s dedicated to work, even trying to break into her office building after hours.
At the end, she vows to keep on fighting, but it’s not clear exactly what she learns as a person. Because the story doesn’t explore her personal life in-depth, Doris is limited as a character. Also, identify the stakes for her. What does she have in jeopardy. Find other ways to enhance the script. Maybe she has an obese child.
As stated, just as much as one likes Doris, one loathes Ted, which is what make the dynamics strong. One would love to see Doris and Ted is a more conventional script as they go up against each other.
The dialogue is extremely sharp and witty. The voices reflect the character’s distinctive personality. There’s a sardonic tone to Doris’ voice which one finds very engaging. Ted’s voice is spot on with his rude and crude remarks. He never compromises his cocky personality. Ronson double speaks with an ironic and appealing tone.
However, the story relies too much on the dialogue. After a while, some of the dialogue begins to sound repetitive regarding the message about how bad foods are. This is repeated several times. Some of the story becomes too overwhelming with too many facts as it recalls the entire history of the food industry. While some of this information is extremely fascinating, it’s not storytelling.
Because of the nature of the storytelling, the overall tension isn’t as compelling as it can be. There’s no sense of a tension rising or escalating towards a real climax. Granted, corruption is uncovered, but again, it’s told versus showing Doris uncovering it and almost getting caught. It’s not very exciting for an audience. In addition, as mentioned, the stakes for Doris are not well defined.
Thus, overall, the audience want to see Doris coming up with a plan to get the message out or to create a campaign for healthy eating. The second act should be driven by her goal. Don’t wait for her to be proactive. She should come up with a plan of action, encounters obstacles, she should fail, and then try again. She should reach her “all is lost moment” when she quits, but then something happens that gives her insight.
In addition, they audience want to know more about Doris’ personal life with her husband. Show how does her dedication to work interfere with her personal life.
At the end, the audience also wants to see her defeat Ted. She seems to do this, but it’s not as satisfying to hear her tell it versus showing it.