Looking Ahead

If I was asked to write something to this degree six years ago or even ten years ago, I would have looked lost. I never looked at life as if there was a future to think about neverless a legecy to leave behind. I was never a "What about the tomorrow" kind of person, I was a "Living just for today" kind of person. .

I grew up in a very strict household, no tv, no boys, no meat and no fun. It was work, work, work and more work, except for the occassional agruing and drug use. My parents thought they hid it from us, but children arent stupid. My mother was an R.N. my dad a chef. People looking in saw what my parents wanted them to see, trips to anywhere during the summer, nice clothes, food on the table and a christmas tree that was always packed. What no one seen was the hurt, the pain and the depression I suffer as a child growing up in this home. I remember when I was ten I wrote in my diary that I wanted a baby, so I can have someone to love and who would love me back. My mother found it and I got beaten so bad, but no one addressed the reason behind the diary entry. I also remember everytime my parents got in a fight they would use us children as pawns to get back at each other. When my mother passed away I was with her when she took her last breath, actually I was the only one there. I was 11 years old, I thought that maybe things would get better, since they possibly couldn't get any worse. Well I was wrong, my mother death introduced me to a whole other world. I found out about boys, meat, tv and fun and for a sheltered child, that was not a good combination all at once.

I was clincially diagnosed with depression at 12 years old, because I tried to commit sucide on several occassions. My father was MIA, and...

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...the pain I went through, but some things are out of my control. I realized that everything I went through I went through for a reason, it made me who I am.

I am now planning my future and the future of my children, I no longer just live for today. I want my children to have everything I may have miss out on and more. I have decided to go back to school to show my teenager the importance of a college education and that it doesn't have to stop at high school. I want to show my little girl how a woman is suppose to act and what being a woman means. I want to be a great role model for my children. Life to me now is full of possiblities and opportunities. I wake up now with a smile instead of a frown. I think that my mom was looking down on me and seen that I was headed down a DEAD END and bought my children into my life to show me that life was worth living.