How To Cheat in Class

How to cheat good

I just submitted my last set of grades for the semester. This is always a big weight off my shoulders, but since it will be the last set of grades I ever submit at the University, it is an even greater relief. And so I think it's time for me to "give back" as the kids say.

I had a 24 hour take home (distance course, so "keep home"?) final exam. Students had to submit it in text— and most submitted it in Word. In the exam, I noted that "I expect everyone to behave honorably," and noted that receiving assistance from others or plagiarizing work was a bad idea.

I would prefer that students don't cheat. Yes, they really are mostly cheating themselves, so fine. But it also reflects poorly on the community. Rationally or not, what particularly irks me is that it is disrespectful: of me, of their fellow students, of the university, of the institution of learning, and of themselves. And—did I mention—of me? It is particularly irksome when their cheating implies (reminds?) that I am a fool.

So, to help students across the country cheat better, saving themselves both from easy detection and from incurring the wrath of insulted faculty, and leading to a much more harmonious school environment, I offer the following tips, based on recent experience:

1. Don't cheat off family.

If you are in a class of several hundred people, and you share an unusual family name with another student in the class, it is best if your reply to an open ended short-answer question is not identical, word-for-word. This is particularly true when the answer is wrong, and when it is wrong in an idiosyncratic way. Many profs, as I do, grade "blind," without reference to the names of the students, but still, it's easy enough when you find something like this to track back to the names. My suggestion, in this case, is to continue to cut and paste the answer, but to legally change your name. A convenience marriage may do the trick.

2. Don't talk British.

The only people allowed to use the word "colour" are those with Indian surnames. "Weight," you may argue, "I was bourne and razed in the english countryside." I have no doubt, but your Commonwealth heritage is not easily detectable by your surname, so I'm afraid you will need to switch to Amerkin spelling for work in my classes.