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Analysis of You Just Don't Understand, Men and Women in Conversation by Deborah Tannen
In the first chapter of her book, You Just Don't Understand, Men and Women in Conversation, Deborah Tannen quotes, "...studies have shown that married couples that live together spend less than half an hour a week talking to each other...". (24) This book is a wonderful tool for couples to use for help in understanding each other. The two things it stresses most is to listen, and to make yourself heard. This book opened my eyes to the relationship I am in now, with a wonderful person, for about four years. It made me realize that most of our little squabble-like fights could have been avoided, if one or the other of us could sit down and shut up for a minute to listen. Most of our fights had erupted from a misunderstanding or miscommunication on either of our parts, and we're only dating! I can only imagine the conflict two partners would have in a marriage with children. This book outlined a lot of couples' problems, where they may have started, and how to circumvent them. After starting to read this book, I realized to do a book report on the entire book would be very difficult, so I chose situations that most related to me to report on.
Intimacy is a very important when dealing with people trying to minimize their differences and attempting to reach a compromise. Independence is also a virtue you need to get any kind of status in today's ranking world. In order to get any kind of rank you need to be demanding, tell others what to do, and the act of taking orders is a sign of low rank in society. Everyone needs both intimacy and independence, though women concentrate more on the first and men more on the latter. This c...
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... and skills to help — even though he didn't.
Many women not only feel comfortable seeking help, they also feel honored to seek it, accept it, and display gratitude. Men on the other hand feel honored to fill the request for help, whether or not it is convenient for them to do so.
Ms. Tannen's book was both interesting and informative to me, and my relationships, not just with my boyfriend, but also my parents and other friends. I am usually one who expresses opinion freely, sometimes forgetting who else may be in the room. I also discovered that I interrupted in conversation quite a bit, and didn't even realize I was hurting my boyfriends feelings. You Just Don't Understand made me interested in how men's and women's minds work differently, and to open my mind to the possibility that what I say or hear may have been perceived differently than intended.
Stepping into a new life with someone is difficult enough, but if you step into the marriage with unrealistic expectations (which vary among couples) you’ve set yourself up for great conflicts. In “The Myth of Co-Parenting” and “My Problem with her Anger,” both Edelman and Bartels are at a disadvantage due to the expectations they’ve created. Everything in their marriages is going in a different direction, and nothing is parring up with their original expectations. They’ve seen marriages they admire, and also marriages on the other side of the spectrum. To better phrase this, both authors allow expectations to control their mindset in their marriages, but Edelman’s expectations
Deborah Tannen’s essay, “There Is No Unmarked Woman”, explores the idea of “marked” and “unmarked” words, styles, titles, and how females have no ability to choose an unmarked position. She also posits that “The unmarked forms of most English words also convey ‘male’” (88). Tannen is incorrect in her premise because females are able to choose unmarked hair and clothing styles, many unmarked forms of words no longer convey “male,” and men are marked just as often as women.
“Men’s greater involvement at home is good for their relationships with their partner and also good for their children. Hands-on fathers make better parents than men who let their wives do all the nurturing and child care” (Coontz 99). Coontz believed that if men come home after work and share the chores with their wife, then they will have stronger bonds and the marriage will stay longer. Children’s are very observant, therefore they will learn valuable lessons from both of their parents. Carver showed how his father not being involved in the family has affected his relationship with his
In Karen Horney's "The Distrust Between the Sexes," she attempts to explain the problems in the relationships between men and women. She writes that to understand the problem you must first understand that problems stem from a common background. A large amount of suspiciousness is due to people's intensity of emotions.
In her essay “The Myth of Coparenting: How it is supposed to be. How it is,” Hope Edelman discusses the issues that she faces when dealing with marriage roles. According to her descriptions, her husband doesn’t play an active role in their domestic life and only focuses on his career. Edelman often gets into arguments with him over his disinterest and lack of contribution to home life. She responds to this lack of interest by buying a swing set along with other items against the husband’s wishes. Similarly, Eric Bartels’ essay “My Problem with Her Anger” discusses the effects of marital roles from the husband’s perspective. He argues that although he is not the most active with domestic life, he does contribute. Bartels claims that his wife’s anger makes it hard for the family to function. Bartels proves his dedication to their family by showing how he gives up drinking beer in order to dedicate more time to helping out around the house. Both Edelman and Bartels express love for their children and frustration at their spouse. As a result of this, references to the swing set in Edelman’s essay and to beer in Bartels’ essay reveal that when there is a disagreement between the husband and wife in a marriage, it is possible that one of the partners will express their emotion through rebellion against his spouse
Marriage is an eternal commitment between two people who love each other. But marriage is not always perfect and passionate as society has portrayed it to be. Marriage will inevitably be filled with annoyance and aggravation, because both individuals hold expectations their spouse cannot meet. In My Problem With Her Anger, newspaper writer Eric Bartels discusses the husband’s point of view in a traditional, but modern, marriage. In his article, Bartels uses subjective language in order to express the constant quarrel between him and his wife’s perpetual anger to influence his male audience into sympathizing with his marital obstacles.
Never become complacent and let my interpersonal relationship becomes stagnant, which can lead to resentment and conflict. Weighing the cost verses the rewards may not always be the solution for my relationship; simply, because the cost may ultimately outweigh the rewards. The need for autonomy can have reverse effects and may not lead to the closeness that’s expected. In, turn the very thing that, I try to be open about in my relationship can inadvertently cause me to protect my feelings in the
Lady Chudleighs’s “To the Ladies” exhibits a remorseful stance on the concept of joining holy matrimony. Chudleigh’s usage of metaphoric context and condescending tone discloses her negative attitude towards the roles of a wife once she is married. It is evident that Mary Chudleigh represents the speaker of the poem and her writing serves a purpose to warn single women not go get married and a regretful choice to women who are.
Conflicts within relationships are inevitable and some conflict can help strengthen a relationship; however, in marriages and families, many people fail to work through their conflict, which results in unhealthy patterns of behavior. Over time, if left unresolved, these patterns of behavior can lead to a breaking of the relationship. Furthermore, most people do not set out seeking conflict within relationships, but rather they lack the emotional maturity to move through conflict. In fact, it is not the differences between the two parties that create the conflict, but rather the emotional reaction to their differences. Therefore, an intervention is required to begin the healing process of working through conflict. Often a pastor or counselor
Men seem to be more likely to help out when they see a female victim but women help out regardless of who it is, merely because someone is undergoing a distress
Deep within every person, there is a desire to be the best—a wish to be the best, the top, the crème de la crème. This wish for dominance radiates through almost every facet of the human experience, and thus brings rivalry and completion between people. In John Knowles book, A Separate Peace, Gene, the narrator, states that, “There are few relationships…not based on rivalry.” To a certain extent, this is true. Some relationships form and grow from the desire to win; however, there exist many relationships that are based on love, and even more so that are based on a mix of the two.
We all have a certain way of communicating that seems evident and natural to us, so we can be shocked, frustrated, or even sadden when someone misinterprets us. Interacting with other people is part of our daily lives, yet men and women have different styles of communication and behavior. Some of the major differences between men and women are how they express emotion, affection or intimacy, and communication. Women tend to be more emotional and express more affection, whereas men are far less emotional and express less affection. Women regard intimacy as talking face-to-face; however, men regard intimacy as working or playing side-by-side. Women tend to ask more questions when communicating while men ask fewer or no questions at all. These
" Family Relations 52.4 (2003): 363-72. Print. Hanson, Richard R. "Optimizing Marital Success: The Conscious Couple Uniting Process. "
Personal space, body language, and overall interaction between the participants in the gym was something that I hadn't paid enough attention to in the past, from the distance I could see that their interests. The intimate couples that I noticed in the gym seemed again sought to have created a private space for them by erecting invisible barriers through their private body language directed only at each other, resulting in considerable more space between these couples and other groups of people in the gym. It was a clear and present body language of please do not bother us attitude left a sense of diffused power that would be involved power relationships that operate without covert commands and requests. The dynamics of the couple was something that was very obvious, in that I was able to note the dominant and the submissive person. The person who had a tendency to meet the needs and the one who had the ability to be demanding.
He inspires booklovers to take the other gender's specific way of articulating love, and helps men and women learn how to achieve each other's emotional desires. Arguments quickly slope into hurt feelings about the way a point is being made, rather than its satisfied. It is the heartless sound of the point being made that is hurtful. Mostly when the men do not really care about or they do not see how much their comments might upset the women and. Most arguments start because of something that is worrying a women and when she share this to a men and when she gets that it is not something to worry about. This invalidates her and she gets upset with him. He then gets mad because she seems to be getting angry at him for nothing. Men’s do not usually say sorry for the things that he believes that he haven’t done. So this argument goes on for many days. Mostly men argue because they do not feel admired, encouraged and