Sex Lies And Conversation Deborah Tannen Summary

Nature or Nurture?

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. This is a popular belief among many people in society today and to many, it is an unquestionable fact of life. In Deborah Tannen’s “Sex, Lies, and Conversation: Why Is It So Hard for Men and Women to Talk to Each Other,” Tannen argues that the problems which men and women have in marriage often stem from misunderstandings, mainly due to the crucial differences in the way men and women communicate. She terms this major difference as “cross-cultural”, yet much of her research is unscientific (Tannen 244). However, in Deborah Cameron’s “What Language Barrier?” she expresses a differing belief. According to Cameron, “the idea that men and women differ fundamentally in the way they

use language to communicate is a myth in the everyday sense: a widespread but false belief.” As one evaluates both writers’ work, one can take away that in Tannen’s mind, women and men are born differently, while Cameron believes men and women are born significantly similar, yet both agree that we, as humans, use language in a variety of ways and in different context. After all, that is what makes us all unique.
In Tannen’s essay, she notes that through her own research, women most frequently complain throughout marriage that their husbands fail to listen to them. However, she instead finds that the problem isn’t because the husbands aren’t listening, but that they are listening differently. Tannen also outlines the idea that men and women are raised to communicate differently from early on in childhood. She states, “Boys and girls tend to play with children of their own gender, and their sex-separate groups have different organized structures and interactive norms” (Tannen 240). According to Tannen, men and women learn to become separate from the moment they are born. Little girls bond by sharing secrets and stories and developing intimate personal relationships while boys live in a hierarchical world in which their main goal is to be number one. However, Tannen still believes that men bond yet in a separate world that is unknown to women. Tannen then points out that men bond by also negotiating in a competitive environment. One of the most long-established belief is one by an author named John Gray, who wrote a book called “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” Throughout his book, he credits the major differences in brain configuration, hormones and socialization for the cause of gaps in gender and communication.. Tannen then concludes from this, that because of the differences in expectations between men and women, marriages tend to become strained. She then goes on to reassure that learning about these communication differences can help couples understand what the opposite sex is really trying to communicate. In her mind, men simply cannot control the inability to be good listeners. She believes that they are born this way. She even goes on to give alternative ways for women to deal with their frustration by stating, “Accepting the difference, wives may look to their friends or family for that kind of talk”, in which she is referring to intimacy (Tannen 244). She also tells men that “husbands who can’t provide it shouldn’t feel their wives have made unreasonable demands” (Tannen 244). According to Tannen, “the communication problems that endanger marriage can’t be fixed by mechanical engineering” (Tannen 243). After all, these characteristics are innately born, right? Cameron has a much different view.
Cameron believes, on the other hand, that men and women are mentally capable of the same type of communication skills.

She points out that because women are often seen as the talkers and the compassionate ones in a relationship, they are more then often automatically given the jobs that require these skills such as nurses, nannies, and etc. while male applicants have to prove that they possess these skills. What Cameron is showing is that men and women are already assumed to have certain skills without question. Due to this, society has unknowingly become sexist. Throughout her essay, Cameron turns to prove her point through various scientific research, that in which Tannen failed to do, as many of her own doings or entirely unscientific all together. She also does not believe that men and women are born with gender specific brains. Throughout her essay, she refutes the work of Simon Baron-Cohen, author of “The Essential Difference.” According to Baron- Cohen people are born with either a male or female brain. He then goes classify certain jobs as either a female-brain, empathy based job, or a male-brain, system-analyzing job. Cameron refutes this by pointing out how nurses without the capability to measure dosages accurately and make systematic clinical observations, are deemed useless, while lawyers without the ability to communicate and read people would not make for very good lawyers. Cameron also works to prove her point by highlighting fallacies in previous published

studies and providing proof that refutes these studies and their findings. Ultimately, Cameron concludes that any language differences between the sexes that many exist are minimal. She remind us that “the relationship between the sexes is not only about difference, but also about power” (Cameron 4). Women are underlying assumed as the second sex. They are supposed to submit to men, and follow their instructions because although it goes unnoticed, the fact is, whoever has the higher status has more power in conversation. We live in a male-dominated society and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. One research Cameron cites is a case in which Dr. Hyde found that in almost every case he experimented with, gender differences in communication and intellectual abilities was either small, close to zero, or zero. She also states that ‘the idea that men and women “speak different languages” has itself become a dogma, treated as not a hypothesis to be adjuncted but as an unquestionable article of faith. (Cameron 2).
Cameron also proves many of the underlying beliefs that people automatically assume to be true are actually false.

Many people today believe that women talk more than men. However, numerous studies have been done by observing both sexes in a single interaction and then measuring their responses. According to the findings, 60% of the research proved that men talk more than women. It is all too known that talk is often related to status. The trend is for those of a higher-status to talk more than the lower-statuses. If men are expected to obtain high-status positions wouldn’t it make sense that they would need to talk more to be regarded as having the higher status? As in many gender differences, miscommunications can be explained by both the biological aspect as well as the cultural/environmental aspect. Tannen suggests the biological explanation, while Cameron sides with culture and environment. One thing that stands out and makes Cameron and Tannen so different is their usage of facts and research. Throughout reading Tannen’s essay, I realized that many of her ideas and thoughts about gender difference was never actually proved through any scientific process. She basically just throws together a bunch of ideas and calls it the truth. Cameron, on the other hand, uses a variety of scientific data to prove that men and women are not these extraterrestrial beings from two completely different planets. Cameron states that “like the scientists I have mentioned, I believe in

following the evidence where it leads” (Cameron 3). Although they point out vast differences in their views throughout their essay, there are a few similarities. They both hold the belief that both verbal as well as nonverbal communication is essential in avoiding miscommunication. Communication strongly depends on relationships between the people who are communicating. Problems within communications may arise due to differences in perceptions, values, and expectations of life. However, “focusing on the differences between men and women while ignoring the similarities within them is extremely misleading but, unfortunately, all too common” (Cameron 7).
Throughout these essays, one can see how two authors of similar profession express their differing views on the role gender plays in communication. In Tannen’s “Sex, Lies, and Conversation: Why Is It So Hard for Men and Women to Talk?”, she explains her take through personal experience with people and concludes that in order for marriage and relationships to work, women must understand that men are born with a different mindset that keeps them from communicating well. However, in Cameron’s “What Language Barrier?” she proves through various scientific research that men and women are fundamentally the same. All in all, communication is an important part of everyday life. Without communication, the human race would not have made it this far. It is through social interaction and the formation of interpersonal relationships that we are able to succeed. People from all races, societies and backgrounds, around the world have always had two things in common: the existence of both the male and female, and the deep need for communication between the two.