Personal Narrative: Autonomy Vs Doubt

As a Toddler, according to Erikson, the crisis that arises is that of Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt. This begins at about 18 months of age. It is also the anal stage according to Freud, when potty training is the focal point, and it is during this period of life that children grasp for a sense of self-control and learn how to surrender (Berger, 2014).
Autonomy was a trait I may not have developed without help from my many female mentors, including my mother of course. During my first year of life, we lived in the country and my mom took every opportunity to bring us closer to nature-both mother and human. One of my favorite tales comes from this time, when my mom-who values nudity- made potty training fun by letting my brother and I loose

in the backyard so that we could experience for ourselves the feeling of making a bowel movement. By freeing us from diapers she taught us the normalcy of our bodies and their functions, and when it did come time to use the bathroom toilet, we transitioned swimmingly.
Another way mom modeled autonomy was by feeding my love for the open road. On the weekends she would whisk us away on road trips where she would sell art in little towns in the southwest. Though much of our travel was born from necessity more than leisure, watching her industriousness for the sake of her family made her a heroine in my eyes.
My godmother Nina was another role model I looked up to for her strength and independence.

She exemplified the theorist Vygotsky’s concept of guided participation in which an adult enlists a child’s help in learning new skills (Berger, 2004). To this day I have a distinct memory of when Nina taught me which way to wipe, first showing me exactly how to do so on herself, so we could then practice together. After this experience, I felt very proud and competent with my newfound skill. Vygotsky stressed the importance of role modeling in early childhood, and I certainly owe much of my independence to the exemplary modeling from the many women in my

life.
One way that I demonstrated struggle through this phase didn’t relate as much to my ability to act independently as my ability to surrender. Mom claims that when I was first born she looked in my eyes and thought, “this little being has fire in her spirit”. She was right. While I don’t remember much from my toddler-hood, I do recall the beginning of an era of severe tantrums. These were no laughing matter. Mom claims that I would scream, kick, and throw when I cried. I was extremely hard-headed and would cry for extended periods despite my mother’s efforts to comfort me. While the core of these breakdowns are still a mystery to me, the ways in which my parent’s responded undeniably had an impact on my development. My dad, who held more of a disciplinarian style of parenting, thought I needed to learn that no one would take care of me if I cried, which led me to feel emotionally vulnerable and insecure. I feel that this had detrimental effects on my development considering Maslow’s second stage in which a sense of security is key (Berger, 2004). I wonder if these early childhood breakdowns and my father’s lack of response have to do with the paralyzing distress patterns I experienced later in life.
Initiative versus Guilt is the third of Erikson’s stages, and occurs during the preschool age of three to six. This life stage is characterized by exploration and discovery, adventure, and play. Children either have the confidence to go forward regardless of the risk of failing, or internalize guilt and fear admonishment by parents.
In retrospect, I had many opportunities to develop initiative in my preschool years. My parents divorced when I was three. My mom stayed in the condo they were renting, while my dad moved into a trailer home at the far end of town. Meanwhile, my brother and I were put on a two weeks-on, two-weeks-off schedule. My dad, a freshly single parent, was out of his element and allowed my brother and I to spend a great deal of time unsupervised. We took full advantage and spent our hours entertaining ourselves and each other with imaginative games and play. Though our ideas were not always the most savory (bug-eating contests was one of our favorite past-times), we valued our independence and spent many afternoons on our own, exploring the neighborhood, playing by the lake, and jumping the fence into the magical wonderland behind our house.
It wasn’t all fun in the sun though. Over the following years, as the reality of losing my mother and the dream-nuclear family he had always dreamt of sunk in, my father descended into a dark and depressed place. I found it increasingly difficult to gain his approval and distinctly remember the sensation of needing to earn his love by placating his sadness and swift mood changes. Sometimes I would come home to a dark house, dirty dishes piled high, and feel his seething sadness as he sat motionless in front of the television. When I failed to be a good daughter, I was met with passive aggressive comments and sarcasm. Guilt was certainly an emotion that penetrated into my childhood, leading me to feel responsible for my father’s unhappiness and wondering what I could do to change it. In retrospect, this hyper vigilance and fear that I might upset him surely inhibited me from taking risks and engaging in life in a way that I otherwise might have.
Kohlberg’s first Pre-conventional stage can shine light on this era of my life. Kohlberg describes this first stage as one where children are hyper-aware of rules and wish for parental approval (McLeod, 2013). Punishment and obedience are key components, and as you can see I strongly resonated with this, trapped in an unhealthy cycle of obsession over whether my behavior was right or good in the eyes of the authority (my father).
As a schoolchild between the ages of six and twelve the key crisis in Erikson’s view relates to Industry vs inferiority.

In this life stage there is amplified importance given to teachers and friends, and achievement and accomplishment in academics is highly valued. This is the time for developing competence and skill-building (Sokol, 2009). Similarly, according to Freud, this is the latency stage, because sexual urges are repressed, and work is emphasized (Berger, 2004). This certainly rang true for me, as I recall this period of my life as one in which I strived for approval from my teachers and gained immense satisfaction proving my competence to authority. I was lucky to be enrolled in a good elementary school and felt very empowered by my teachers to develop intellectually. I also grew socially and remember well the feelings of collaboration and cooperation among my peers on the playground and in the classroom. I excelled in team settings and also independently. In fact, inferiority was not something I started to feel until adolescence. In these early years, I felt supported and valued by my peers and

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