My Arrest and Rebirth

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My Arrest and Rebirth

With great embarrassment and pain, I must tell you that I have once been arrested; it was over a fight with my brother Jacob.

The police attribute Jake's behavior to chemical dependence; my parents blame it on some unknown incident while he was at school. I don't know, myself; I do know that I returned from Israel to find Jake had taken over my room, as well as anything else in the house he could manipulate or control. The TV, VCR and computer were his absolute domain; I missed a calculus final because he took the car without permission. He refused to engage in any conversation at all with my parents. His "conversations" with me and Sol were primarily a barrage of put-downs and insults. He kept lists of "crimes" other people had committed, for which he sought revenge, by stealing things or just hiding them. Nothing was secure or safe at home; I didn't feel secure or safe there. Home was worse hell than the army had ever been.

How can I explain how traumatic this was for me? Imagine being asleep on the sofa (the only bed I had) and being awakened in the middle of the night by the blasting of the TV. If I complained, I would be either ignored or screamed at. If I pretended interest, he would start changing channels, or switch to the stereo. If I called my parents, my "crime" got added to his list for later revenge.

I pleaded with my parents to intervene, but they just called me selfish; couldn't I see that I had a sick brother, that I had to "help" him by tolerating his behavior until he magically got well? "Magically" because we couldn't seek any help; that would require letting an "outsider" know We had a problem.

After he beat up my brother Sol, my father ordered Jake to leave until he cooled off, the first time he had ever intervened. But Jake called my father's bluff; he disappeared for two weeks. This pattern of violence, abusiveness, drinking and disappearing escalated throughout the summer. After one particularly violent outburst, I finally tried to show my parents that by refusing to deal with Jake's illness, they were hurting Sol and me. I staged a suicide attempt with sugar pills I had placed in an aspirin bottle.

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