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Transference and counterference
Essay on a tale of mental illness
Essay on a tale of mental illness
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“Mom!” I yelled, bolting upright in my bed. Trails of sweat dripped from my forehead, and my torso rose and fell in a rapid succession. I peered into the darkness of my room, ushering my eyes to adjust to its dark tone. I leaned my back against the wooden headboard behind me and held myself in my arms. “Just a dream. Just a dream.” I murmured to myself repeatedly. I reached my hand to the left side of my bed, and fumbled my appendage aimlessly in the drawers that lay there until I was able to retrieve my spectacles. I slid the metallic frame over my ears. The blurred hues that lay before me instantly became sharp, defined objects. All the furniture, posters, figurines, and other various objects attributed to my room were exactly as they were …show more content…
My arms were stretched forward, directly in front of me, providing me with the only perception of depth I had at the moment. “K-Keep talking to me, Mom! Don’t stop talking!” I cried, my tone overtaken with a desperate sob. “Okay, Ema. I’m right here, just come to the door. We need sleep, we’re going to see your father tomorrow.” There was facade of cheerfulness in her voice, but it did not matter. I just wanted her communicate with me. She was my only beacon of light in this sea of trauma. “Are you almost at the door?” “I don’t kno-” Suddenly that same metallic silver that I previously encountered flooded my sensory nerves. “Yes! I’m here, Mom!” I yelled as I threw open the door and embraced my mother with a tight hug. I could see her. I could see everything now. The lighthouse shine of the moon. The stillness of my furniture, my posters, figurines, my room, everything now in full view. I buried my head into the crook of my mother’s shoulder. “It’s okay. I’m here now. It was just an enemy.” She cooed, stroking my hair comfortably. “It was so real. So vivid this time, Mom.” I replied, a new wave of tears flowing once more from the aqueducts of my …show more content…
“Okay.”
When I awoke the next morning, I snatched my glasses and quickly sprung out of bed. For all thirteen years of my life I have not once met my father at an age that I could remember him. The oldest I have been by his side was at five years, and I can barely remember what I ate for dinner last night. With a bursting excitement, I slid into a new change of clothes and made my way into the washroom, where I quickly refreshed myself.
“Mom! Are we leaving soon?” I shouted as I climbed down the staircase. I found her in the kitchen finishing the last bites of a breakfast sandwich.
“Now,” she swallowed, “we’re leaving now, go start going to the car.” My teeth flashed in pure joy. I began running to our van, not once stopping to dwell on food. As I heaved myself into the passenger seat, I took a moment to look into the mirror adjacent to the car door. There was nothing. I smiled once more, and my mother and I were off.
The car ride was mainly silent. My jubilant mood had quelled itself down, as my experience from the night before began to sink its way back into my mentality. I attempted to distract myself by starting a conversation with my
I walked into the room on New Year’s Day and felt a sudden twinge of fear. My eyes already hurt from the tears I had shed and those tears would not stop even then the last viewing before we had to leave. She lay quietly on the bed with her face as void of emotion as a sheet of paper without the writing. Slowly, I approached the cold lifeless form that was once my mother and gave her a goodbye kiss.
“Could you go get your mom?” I cried, “I can’t handle this anymore, we need to go to the hospital.”
The night was tempestuous and my emotions were subtle, like the flame upon a torch. They blew out at the same time that my sense of tranquility dispersed, as if the winds had simply come and gone. The shrill scream of a young girl ricocheted off the walls and for a few brief seconds, it was the only sound that I could hear. It was then that the waves of turmoil commenced to crash upon me. It seemed as though every last one of my senses were succumbed to disperse from my reach completely. As everything blurred, I could just barely make out the slam of a door from somewhere alongside me and soon, the only thing that was left in its place was an ominous silence.
A gust of air audibly exited my lungs as I opened the creaky door of my mother’s beat up four door car. Charley didn’t have the same spring in his step that was present in his youth, but he did his best to run over and hop in. I wish he didn’t try so hard. My heart sank as he made vain attempts at pulling himself into the vehicle. I bent down and gave him a little assistance. He was quick to turn around and look at me anxiously. He never felt comfortable if I wasn’t sitting with him. I took my place in the back seat and slowly closed the door.
The small legs that whisked back and forth in the open space of the vehicle were full of energy. The young girl spent the day with the two people she admired the most. A bigger version of herself sat in the passenger seat with her husband driving next to her. They laughed over conversation. Every so often, the girl would stick thin fingers against her mother’s shoulder to receive her attention. She would say something trivial and obvious, but her mother would still entertain her. She absorbed every phrase her daughter said as if each filled her with a tremendous joy and was the greatest thing ever spoken. Her mother had selected a black dress for her today with a large white ribbon tied around her midsection. Her hair had been combed back in two braids so that the tips were touching her shoulder blades. They were coming home late from a Christmas party at church.
He yanked to one side, and then the other, bringing out the tears. I squeezed my mom’s hand as it continued. I struggled and moaned but it wouldn't stop. I cried like a maniac for the pain to stop.
"My mom, she was so distraught, because she was on the phone with me when it was all going down," he said. "She was so terrified, and I thought she was going to have a heart attack because she was so scared. Her voice was like sheer
The hold abruptly released, allowing my blood to stop pounding in my ears. He smiled crookedly, tears gathering at the edges of his eyes. “I can say it now, I’m already dead: all I ever wanted was to be you, Sumati
The car ride was reduced to complete silence. My head was turned towards the window, longing to be anywhere but there. I noticed the road curve in the distance, the thick trees swaying in the wind, and the sky turn dark ominous shades of blue. My thoughts drifted but always seemed to be pulled back to our problems. Was it my fault? No it couldn't be. Whenever your temper got out of hand you pinned it on me. Yet somehow I was always left with the feeling the overwhelming feeling of guilt for resenting you. It was like a constant tug a war between forgiveness or refusing to accept your behavior. I glanced over at you, driving with one hand on the wheel, the other resting against your head. Your jaw was clenched tightly and you had that crease
My mom came over to my and wrapped her arms around me in a warm, comforting hug. “It'll be okay.”
“Mom, it’s not your fault,” I faintly breathed, almost completely overtaken with pain. I extend my right hand to her in a last-ditch effort to calm her down. I feel her lips gently press against my forehead, bringing with them a few wet teardrops. Finally the pain completely consumes me, and all my senses fade away along with my
My mother waves from the driveway as we pull away in the moving truck. She is smiling at me, but I know her heart is breaking. My father puts his arm around her and together they say goodbye. The air outside is cold but it is sunny and as we pull away from the house with my life’s possessions and our brand new baby, embarking on our journey, I feel a rush of excitement. Onward!
After a quick breakfast, I pulled some of my gear together and headed out. The car ride of two hours seemed only a few moments as I struggled to reinstate order in my chaotic consciousness and focus my mind on the day before me. My thoughts drifted to the indistinct shadows of my memory.
The shrill cries of my alarm echo across vermilion painted walls, stirring my consciousness into an aware state. It is precisely eight o’clock on a warm summer Monday; the distant cries of mockingbirds can be heard above the soft whirring of cars passing our genteel residential street. My ears scan the house; it is quiet – barely a sound other than the tinkling of tags as our pets navigate the living room. The still morning air brought realization, with no children running around Mother must have already left for work. Never leaving my lax position I stretch and sigh, it is nice to not have to baby-sit my sister’s kids – my nieces and nephew – but I do miss the mornings where my mother would still kiss me goodbye.
Suddenly I awake at the noise of sirens and people yelling my name. Where am I? Those words radiate out my thoughts but never touching my lips. Panic engulfs me, but I am restricted to the stretcher. “Are you ok?” said the paramedic. I am dazed, confused, and barely aware of my surroundings. Again “Yes, I am fine” races from my thoughts down to my mouth, but nothing was heard. Then, there was darkness.