How To Survive a Horror Film

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Do you find yourself constantly encountering serial killers, masked murderers, evil scientists with an unwavering bloodlust, and the like? Are your days filled with token characters, futile running, a series of flat tires, dead cell phones, or deformed, inbred mountain-dwellers who would like nothing more than to see you dead? Do you feel your life has no practical plot line, climax, or believable special effects? If these things apply to you, then you may be living inside of a horror movie. Do not be concerned about your predicament—all hope is not lost! If you follow the rules and use common sense, it can be incredibly easy to recognize, survive, and overcome being in a horror movie. Before focusing on survival, it is vital to have the awareness that you are in a horror movie in the first place. There are some key ways to identify the likelihood of a horror movie taking place. First, survey your surroundings. Are you taking a road trip with friends to a remote location? Did you stop to get gas and then take advice on a "shortcut" to your destination from an unclean looking man who smelled faintly of kerosene and old corpses? Have you mocked the simple locals? Did the bathroom stalls at the gas station say things like "Stop!", "Run!", or "Get out while you still can"? If so, you are likely in a horror movie. Turn around! Resume the correct path to your destination, or simply go home and thank your common sense for working in your time of need. You may also find yourself in a horror movie if you have recently had sex or participated in the use of illegal drugs or underage drinking. Generally, any large gathering of minors doing idiotic things is a bad idea, whether there is a horror movie taking place or not. However, if you ha... ... middle of paper ... ...put you far too close to them, and likely will not be a sight that you want to see. Second, do not take time out of this exchange to mock or taunt the killer. It will literally never work out in your favor and will only serve to waste time and make the killer more aggressive and unstable. Just stay quiet and get to the killing. Finally—and this is the most important step—after the killer is shot, stabbed, maimed, exploded, burned, etc., never assume that they have been officially killed. A good course of action when dealing with killers: shoot them, sever all limbs, burn the pieces, and then scatter the ashes separately across the world on sacred ground after submerging them individually in tanks of holy water. After completing these steps, you can confidently say that you have survived a horror movie. That is, of course, unless you find yourself in the sequel.

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