Funny Short Story

The Scourge Of The Galaxy

The pretty researcher walked up to the shack where he supposedly lived. Wendy had heard many stories about the scourge, but she had never seen him for herself. He was a local legend, and she had decided to do her thesis on this obese male. She knocked on the cheap wood door of the shanty, and the door fell off. Wendy anxiously tried to pick the door up, but before she could pick it up, a high-pitched bark came from the dark corridor of the hut. “It’s alright, girlie. Just leave it and come inside.” She complied quickly, stepping inside. The stench was almost unbearable, a mixture of rancid sweat, rotten food and flatulence. She tried to hold back a small moan, but failed utterly, as she stepped cautiously across the floor strewn with garbage. The scourge was reclined in a La-Z-Boy, his face cloaked in shadow. He spoke again, and the girlish voice was a shock.

“Have a seat, beautiful. I suppose you’re that girl from the brothel that I called for three months ago. I’d almost given up on you, baby.” Wendy quickly decided not to contradict the huge man. She figured that it’d be more interesting for her paper, if she let him think she was a prostitute. She could always run out, she reasoned. She nodded quickly, and he shifted in his recliner, sending vibrations resounding around the hovel. “Sweet thing, come closer so Herbie can see you, honey.” Wendy gulped uncomfortably and moved closer to the scourge, which was a bad idea.

It was sickening, being this close. The scourge was wearing just a red sequined thong, which was protruding dangerously tight in the front, threatening to split at any moment. He had exactly four long greasy hairs on the top of his bald head, and hair grew in oddly shaped patches on his legs and chest. His nipples were pierced with safety pins, and rolls of fat hung off his body. He weighed three hundred pounds. He had a long sparsely haired goatee in the Fu Manchu style. Bits of moldy food were hanging at various places on the goatee. His eyes were beady and calculating. He had thin wet lips, which he licked constantly. He also wore a pair of shocking pink and dirty brown argyle socks pulled up to his calves. His nose was more of a pig snout than a nose, and he had exactly seven brown, crooked teeth in his mouth.