Business Communication Dq 5

DQ 2

A) Pick five of the statements listed in Exercise #4 (pg. 153), briefly identify why each is impersonal, and then provide a rewrite.

1) A – Original: It becomes incumbent upon this office to cancel order #2394.

REVISED: We regretfully inform you that order #2394 must be canceled.

The original sentence uses a “pompous” word, “incumbent” when a more impersonal word choice is available. Also, by adding the word “regretfully” to the sentence, it adds a personal touch.

2) B – Original: Management has suggested the curtailment of parking privileges.

REVISED: Due to increased activity, management has suggested the reduction or parking privileges.

The original sentence uses a more “pompous” word, “curtailment” when a less formal word choice

is available. Also, by sharing with the reader why it is necessary to reduce parking privileges, it creates a more personal nature.

3) D – Original: The requests for a new catalog has been honored; it will be shipped to same address soon.
REVISED: Your request for a new catalog has been honored; we will ship promptly to:
ABC Rentals
123 Main Street
Anywhere, USA 12345

The original letter was improved by adding the actual address. By adding the address,
The reader is recognized as a real person.

4) F – Original: The Director of Nurses hereby notifies staff that a general meeting will be held Monday afternoon at 3:00 p.m. sharp. Attendance is mandatory.
REVISED: The Director of Nurses, Director Sharp, will be holding a general meeting on Monday afternoon at 3:00 p.m. Attendance at the meeting is required for all employees as Director Sharp will be sharing new and beneficial information to assist you with the new policies. Please arrive early and prepared to share in our and exciting programs.

The original letter was impersonal in nature and bordered on discourteous or bureaucratic. By, giving the name of the director, removing the pompous word “hereby” and the word “sharp” the letter is more personal and courteous. Changing the word “mandatory” to the added sentence, “Please arrive early and prepared to share” the letter also becomes more personal and courteous to the reader. By keeping the reader in mind and using the “you” approach, the reader learns from the revised letter that there is a benefit for the reader by attending the meeting.

5) Original sentence: Reports will be filed by appropriate personnel no later than the scheduled plans allow.
REVISED: We appreciate your cooperation by filing your department reports prior to the deadline provided, December 1st, 2016.

The original sentence was not personal in nature. Adding “we appreciate” lets the reader know that their work is appreciated and remembers the reader as an individual.

B) Pick five of the statements listed in Exercise #5 (pg. 153), briefly identify why each is lacking the "you attitude," and then provide a rewrite.

1) A – Original sentence: Something is obviously wrong in your head office. They have one more sent me the wrong model number. Can they ever get things straight?
REVISED: I have experienced difficulty in obtaining my order. I spoke directly with Jack Smith in customer relations and was assured he had taken care of my order personally and I would receive the correct product last week. This is the second time that I have received the incorrect model number, ABC123, and my company experienced difficulties working around the lack of equipment which led to numerous delays for our customers. As our company, 123 Marketing Concepts, has been a loyal customer of yours for many years, I am hopeful that you will resolve this issue as soon as possible and provide the correct model number to us.

The original sentence lacked the “you” attitude and was discourteous in nature. The rewrite is calmer in tone and provides adequate information to resolve the issue.

2) B – Original sentence: My instructor wants me to do a term paper on safety regulations at a small plant Because you are the manager of a small plant, send me all the information I need at once. My grade depends heavily on all this.
REVISED: Safety Director Jones, my instructor has assigned a paper on safety regulations at a small plant and I was hoping that you may be able to assist me. I specifically need examples on OSHA compliance as well as your plant’s personal policies regarding safety in the workplace. My assignment is due on December 1st, 2016 and it would be very helpful if you are able to provide the information at your earliest convenience so that I can meet my deadline. I want to thank you in advance for any assistance that you are able to provide.

The earlier letter did not contain the “you” attitude as the letter was all about what the sender needed and when the sender ordered it. The sender did not specify the type of information they needed or when it would be due. In addition, the sender “ordered” the director to send the information instead of courteously requesting the information. And in conclusion, the sender did not even bother to offer a polite thank you but instead stressed the importance of the sender’s grade.

3) C – Original sentence: It is apparent that you are in business to rip off the public.
REVISED: Director Jones, my recent experience with your company, XYZ was less than satisfactory and my valid and current warranty was denied. I am attaching a copy of my warranty and hope that you will provide a refund within the next week. My contact information is also provided if you need to discuss the issue with me.

The original letter lacks the “you” attitude, is rude, and unprofessional. By addressing the individual, Director Jones, the letter is more personal in nature. By offering proof of my claim, I am assuring the Director of the validity of my complaint. The tone of the revision is calmer, provides details and contains a more personal nature.

4) Original letter: I was wondering if you could possibly see your way into sending me the local chapter president’s name and address-if you have the time that is.
REVISED: Mr. Joes, my name is Sue Smith and I need to contact the local chapter president’s name and address. Would you please, at your earliest convenience, send this information to me at the contact provided. I thank you in advance for your assistance.

The original letter did not contain the “you” attitude and was excessively humble. The revised letter addresses the recipient by name and respectfully requests the information without being overly humble. The recipient is also thanked in advance for any assistance that may be provided.

5) Original letter: I have waited for my confirmation for two weeks now. Do you expect me to wait forever, or can I get some action?
REVISED: Director Watts, I requested confirmation for my request two weeks ago and I have yet to receive a response. I am following up to verify that I provided the correct contact information, which I have provided below. I look forward to receiving the confirmation this week as I need to report to management. Thank you for your cooperation.

The original letter did not contain the “you” attitude and was rude and vague.

The revised letter was polite, professional, applied the “you” attitude, addressed the recipient by name. The new letter also contains a contact verification request with the necessary contact details provided.

C) E-Communications are a vital part of most workplaces. Share your experience using e-communications at work or in the academic setting. Have you ever had any mishaps or felt someone was engaging in unethical or unprofessional behavior? Explain, keeping in mind the specific guidelines on pages 77-78.

Working in the hospitality industry for my internship consisted of constant e-mail interaction with co-workers and supervisors. During my time at the resort, there were numerous occasions when e-mails were sent that were not professional in nature. Forwards were sent that contained jokes, irrelevant information, etc. I did not observe any instances that involved inaccuracies, confidentiality or improper personal/grievance type e-mails.

D) Have you ever experienced unethical or unprofessional e-communication from a particular business you considered patronizing? What effect, if any, did this have on your perception of the company? If you have never had this experience, imagine a scenario in which this occurs and explain how you might

react.

I have never received an e-mail correspondence from a company that was unethical or unprofessional that I considered patronizing. If in the future, I received such correspondence, I would address the sender in a polite and professional tone addressing the unprofessional communication from their company. I would imagine that companies are at times patronizing to senders of complaint e-mails and may address the complaints in a condescending tone. I would find this offensive and would seek a higher authority in which to address the situation.