Being Assertive

Being Assertive

Assertiveness is an ability to take action in a positive, sincere, respectful, and confident way. It is also an ability to communicate directly using language that is to the point, taking initiative, focusing on solutions, addressing problems, taking ownership of problems, and bringing the problems to a close. Assertiveness can also mean being firm, patient, persistent, pushing someone into action, encouraging, and not compromising on the solution to the problem. Assertiveness requires flexibility tailored to the individual and the situation they are placed in. People usually have three obstacles that keep them from being assertive. They are: poor communication skills, low self-esteem, and a fear of conflict. An assertive response would be: “I have some concerns about whether the idea will work. My concerns include….Please help me to clear up my misunderstandings.”

The assertive person does not focus on winning as such, but rather on negotiating changes to benefit himself or herself and the other parties involved. They are very clear on what they want to accomplish. The communication needs to be planned out in order to sell the idea and not seem as if the assertive person is nagging or dictating.

Assertive speaking is an important communication method that is usually paired with active listening. When someone speaks assertively they are expressing themselves in a confident, direct way both verbally and nonverbally. They are speaking up to make a point but allowing for other’s ideas to be shared as well.

Being assertive does not necessarily mean being aggressive. These two behaviors are quite different in their manners. Someone who is assertive allows the problem to be discussed whereas someone who is aggressive usually participates in a one-sided conversation with little listening to the other side. Someone who is aggressive usually “shoots first” before addressing the problem. An assertive person looks at a problem with solutions in mind. An aggressive person is blunt and feels that their solution is the only solution. An assertive person takes charge yet invites other ideas for solutions. An example of an aggressive response might be: “There’s no way that will work. I don’t like that idea and I don’t know what you were thinking about when you thought of it.”

Aggressiveness normally is associated with anger. Anger is a natural emot...

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...rectly interpret a situation. If this happens it is important to be willing to admit being wrong. Also, do not stop being assertive in the future with that person.

Finally, assertiveness should not be used for intimidation or manipulation. It means standing up for beliefs, expressing anger in a tactful eloquent way, reaching out to others, building self-esteem, and learning to be more direct. It is a method to reach goals, feel good about oneself, and to demonstrate respect for others. Most importantly, do not try to be something out of the ordinary and always take other’s needs and respect into account.

References

Alberti, Ph.D, R., & Emmons, Ph.D, M. (1986). Your Perfect Right. 5th ed. San Luis Obispo, CA: Impact Publishers.

Axelrod, A. (2000). Elizabeth I CEO. Paramus, NJ: Prentice Hall Press.

Bower, S. (1991). Asserting Yourself. Updated ed. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley Publishing Company.

Brounstein, M. (2000). Coaching & Mentoring for Dummies. Foster City, CA: IDG Books Worldwide.

Fensterheim, Ph.D, H., & Baer, J. (1975). Don't Say Yes When You Want to Say No. New York: Dell Publishing.

Smith, Ph.D, M. (1975). When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. New York: Dial Press.