Why I Hate?

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Shocked but I could believe what she had told me. I pitied her, I hate that word so much I hate feeling it even more. All I could think was “Shame poor girl I’m so lucky not to be her.’ An adrenaline rush hit me, fuelled by the thought that I would be the one to fix her. So disgusted with myself, I beat down on my soul with vicious words of self-deprecation. Self-destructing under the mask of a caring friend. I handed over the reins to my mouth and body to God. The most terrifying thing was to lose control and let the façade of the endless masks that I keep in the closet of my soul go. Letting go was never as hard because I gripped onto my security blanket, that I am alone in this world and I can only trust myself. I am used to being alone and loneliness has taught me …show more content…

I was afraid that I would disappoint God, I felt like I was the wrong person to choose for him to use to help heal her, but I was so helplessly wrong. Like a full on Tsunami, love beyond what I thought I was capable of burst out of me and flowed into her broken heart filling the cracks helping her begin to heal. It was like I had practised a speech beforehand the words were so surprisingly perfect and balanced. Through God I discovered that I am strong, I am loving and I am wise. Trust was earned, spent and broken, trust broke me. I hide behind my confidence and my words but honestly I am so frightened of life and I see these masks as my only way to escape and stay safe in a world where I feel threatened by everything including myself. I let go and my knees buckled from under me tears flowed freely as the healing came to me through God who I had hated from the beginning because I was scared of the unknown, I am scared of the future because I hate not being in control. Love was creating an electricity that excited all the nerves in my body until my brain gave up and let my heart open and learn from God that I am not alone and that it is okay to let

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