Softball Script Analysis

FAT PITCH is driven by the theme of second chances and respect. The idea of a desperate minister wanting to save the church’s baseball team has merit. Denny’s goal is well defined, and the stakes become very personal. The script poses the moral question of how far one will go to achieve their goal. The idea of a minister “borrowing” money to support his dream is a nice set up for conflict and character growth.

With that said, the script would benefit from more development. There are several areas that should be re-examined, including the structure, pace, character development, and tension.

First, the script opens up in the world of softball setting the tone for a sports story. However, the overall story type is not clear. It’s not clear

if the intention is for a comedy or drama, or a dark comedy. The opening makes the script feel like a comedy, as the men on the team argue and end up in jail. However, as the script progresses, the story becomes a bit more dramatic, but not serious.

Thus, it would benefit the script to create a more even and consistent tone. If the intention is for a comedy or dark comedy, the humor should be stronger. While comedy is subjective, the current jokes and light-hearted moments don’t generate strong enough comedy or laughs. If the intention is to be more serious, then tighten the tone and eliminate the light-hearted features.

The opening scene with the men bickering, unfortunately, is not engaging. It’s not strong comedy, nor serious drama. The characters immediately feel too immature and juvenile. The audience doesn’t make an emotional connection to Denny or the other cast members.

It would benefit the script to strengthen the structure and to have a more focused plot.

The first act sets up the goal for Denny. He needs to prove the team is valuable and/or find a new sponsor. To focus the script more effectively, clearly show how Denny tries to show that the team is a value to the community. While he hires illegals and Sparxx, the script really doesn’t connect this with Denny showing how this is valuable and how it will save the team.

It would be different if Denny decides to recruit all juvenile delinquents or alcoholics to show the church and the community that they can contribute to society and help bring the church credibility.

However, right now, the structure is too fragmented. Sometimes it’s about Luke, sometimes it’s about Sparxx, and sometimes it’s about the illegal immigrants. Thus, consider that Denny decides that he’ll make a team with the juvenile delinquents and then just focus on how Denny tries to help them. Consider structuring and focusing the script more like the BAD NEWS BEARS, in which Denny tries to help bring a rag-tag team to victory to show the church leaders that they are valuable. He can still “borrow” from the funds to pay for the uniforms and help the team, but it will feel more justifiable and less selfish.

At the end, he can make a speech about what he did, that it was wrong, but for the right reasons. While there may be consequences for his actions, the audience still roots for

him.

As currently structured, the story is repetitive and too long. The script would benefit from a stronger pace. The script should be from 90 to about 105 pages. Right now, the script is heavy with dialogue and this slows the pace down. The opening scene is too long. There’s repetitive dialogue about Denny’s wife leaving him. There are new characters introduced throughout the script that are not needed. Streamline the cast. For example, Mary is introduced in the first act, but then she completely disappears from the entire storyline. She’s the one that Denny needs to impress, but the story never develops this plot. Each character has to have a strong purpose and contribute to the script. If they don’t, consider eliminating them.

The structure also would benefit from a romance subplot involving Denny. Either he tries to get his wife back or he meets a potential new love interest.

The tension also would benefit from being enhanced. Show how desperate Denny becomes. Show how he struggles internally with his decisions about taking the church funds, and add a stronger threat of discovery of his actions. Jimmy ends up being the antagonist that accuses Denny, but it’s hard to take Jimmy seriously as a strong foe, given his immature personality.

Create a solid “all is lost” moment when Denny fears that he’ll lose everything – his church, the team, Luke, and a potential love interest or wife. The stronger the stakes are for Denny, the stronger the tension will be. The idea that he ends up in jail doesn’t feel emotionally satisfying. If the structure is well crafted and the audience forgives Denny for doing the wrong thing but for the right reasons, the audience will want to see Denny outwit the foe and be okay.

Continue to work on character development. Make Denny more likable and relatable. Convince the audience to root for Denny. Show his struggle. Be careful of making him sound too child-like and immature. He tends to repeat his inner conflict about his father. Make sure to show how he grows as a character and what he learns about respect and second chances. He has to learn about self-respect first.

The supporting cast blends together.

It’s difficult to tell one player from the other. They are all child-like in their actions and their dialogue. A stronger female character needs to be developed. Rain gets lost in the plot and doesn’t stand out. As mentioned, create a potential love interest for Denny. Remember, he has to learn to prioritize family and softball.

Another possible story choice is to just focus on the goal of trying to find a new sponsor for the team.

The professional presentation needs to be polished. The formatting has several errors. First, there should be no space between the character element and the dialogue. On page 17, the wrong format is used. The parenthetical element is overly used and not properly used. Reduce redundancy of the descriptions. It’s not necessary to describe what they are talking about, just show the scene. For example, on page 10 the narrative explains that they are discussing the fight and there’s no need to explain what they are talking about, as the audience will hear it in the dialogue.

On page 55, the narrative explains he forgot to pray first and then he says he forgot. This is redundant. Keep the narrative descriptions lean and to the

point.

There are a few minor typos and it’s confusing to have a character named “Jim” and Jimmy.

In summary, the structure needs to be more focused on the goal. Show how Denny tries to achieve his goal and how he overcomes obstacles in his way, as he transforms as a character.