Personal Development: Journey to Self-Awareness

“Personal development is the conscious choice to improve one’s life to become a better person and to grow as an individual” (author unknown, n. d.). As a future counselor, self-awareness and personal development are essential components in understanding how to help others. Without such knowledge, it may be impossible to facilitate change in clients because of one’s own lack of self-awareness. One cannot help others if he or she lacks self-knowledge and fail to achieve his or her own developmental milestones. Therefore, through personal self-reflection, my adult attachment style, racial identity, and moral development will be dissected and explored to gain an understanding of my own personal development.
Adult Attachment Development
As a 27

year old young woman, the development of my anxiously attached style in relationships stemmed from early childhood experiences. Around the age of three, my father was taken from my home and incarcerated for 12 years, which may have laid the foundation for my attachment style today. One study concluded that if attachment figures are neglectful or unresponsive, security is not achieved and the child develops defensive mechanisms, such as anxiety or avoidance (Martins, Canavarro, & Moreira, 2015). On the same token, the initial attachment representation between the child and adult figure creates mental representations that impacts future behaviors and feelings in adult romantic relationships (Godbout, et al., 2016). Although my mother was actively present in my life, the absence of my father caused me to yearn for his approval. I always tried to excel in every aspect of my life to gain his acceptance. When my father was released from prison, I concluded that we would spend quality time together to make up for all of the missed birthdays, graduations, and recitals. Unfortunately, he failed to make any effort to rebuild our relationship. He mastered the art of empty promises, and left me in the dust of disappointments. Since I was unable to gain his acceptance, even after trying to be the perfect daughter, I sought out such approval from others to validate my identity and self-worth. I had a strong desire to make other people like me, therefore, I became self-critical. People who are anxiously attached engage in such powerful self-correction in order to reduce being disapproved of and gain others’ admiration (Martins, Canavarro, & Moreira, 2015).
Moreover, when I am involved in any type of romantic relationship, my self-criticism and insecurities are clearly evident. Because I fear being abandoned again, I use self-criticism as an agent to gain my partner’s respect and approval, while also fearing being too dependent and intimate. Self-criticism allows me to improve on any flaws that my partner points out so he does not abandon me. When I am in a relationship, I constantly worry about the extent my partner will be available to me and display increased anxiety when I have to separate from him. It has been found that people with high scores on attachment anxiety use a hyperactivating strategy that includes doubts about the availability and a strong yearning to attain love and support from their partners (Drenger, Mikulincer, & Berant, 2016). In previous relationships, I exhibited clingy behavior and constantly needed that reassurance and closeness, which unfortunately caused more harm than good. After my last relationship ended, I decided to focus on increasing my self-worth and developing my identity on my own.
Racial Identity Development
My racial identity as an African American was developed and influenced by various factors throughout my life.

Born to a mother from a small town in Georgia who desired to explore the world, I was exposed to an array of cultures through different arts. Although I have always lived in a predominantly inner city Black environment, I was never consciously aware of my racial identity until about the age of five years old. During this time, I wanted a Caucasian baby doll that was constantly being advertised on my favorite cartoon station. For weeks, I begged my mother to buy me the doll, but she refused to do so. Interestingly, she said that she would buy the Black version of the doll, but I refused. I recall commercials advertising the kids playing with the White dolls; and the Black dolls would appear at the very end of the commercial. Subconsciously, I created a negative schema about being African American. One study discussed how supremacy may produce implicit attitudes in Black youth and exert a power on them at the subconscious level (Craemer, 2015). After my mother realized how distraught I had become over not being able to have the White doll, she bought African American dolls, books, toys, etc. She would constantly remind me of my African American heritage and culture, while trying to instill dignity and pride in my racial

identity.
Additionally, my racial identity development was also shaped by an experience with a lighter complexion girl, with long wavy hair. I was about six or seven years old, and this particular girl was in my class. I had a big crush on a boy, who never even noticed me. However, he had a crush on the lighter complexion girl. In fact, it appeared that all of the boys liked this particular girl, and I just could not figure out the reason. Then finally one of my friends informed me that everyone likes the girl because she had light skin and long hair. Unfortunately, I internalized the idea that my darker complexion and kinkier hair was not the definition of beautiful. In order to be beautiful, I needed to have long hair and lighter skin. My racial identity was shaped by this negative schema that was engrained in my mind for many years.
Nevertheless, the development of my racial identity was also influenced by a visit to a small town in Georgia where my mother was born. Because of slavery and rape, many members of my mother’s side of family are fair skin, with blue and green eyes. I distinctively remember visiting my great aunt, who had typical White features, and being in awe of her. I thought she was so beautiful compared to my darker complexion. On one occasion, my family and I were sitting on the porch, and my great aunt made the most insensitive and painful comment that I had ever heard, stating, “Sade, you are pretty for a dark skinned girl.” Those words stung and tore down my self-esteem to another level. Although my mother quickly defended me, the words had already helped create a negative schema about my racial identity even further. For a period of time after this incident, I considered myself to be unattractive because of my complexion, and longing to have my mother’s lighter complexion. Based on the racial identity development model, such attitude of self-deprecating falls under the conformity stage (Atkinson, Morten, & Sue, 1993).
Furthermore, throughout my primary school years, my speech became a part of my racial identity. My mother constantly encouraged and taught me to speak proper grammar, which appeared to bother my fellow classmates in inner-city schools. According to them, I spoke and acted White because of my proper grammar and demeanor. The accusation of acting White occurs when African American youth’s racial identity is not black enough, according to their peers (Murray, Neal-Barnett, Demmings, & Stadulis, 2012). Some studies found that feelings of belonging increased the risk for minority youth to internalize disorders, such as anxiety (Murray, et al., 2012). Unfortunately, I incorporated the idea of acting White into my racial identity, which caused me to be conflicted between accepting the notion that White is right and Black is wrong. On one hand, I was taught to appreciate my race and culture; but on the other hand, speaking and acting White caused me not to be Black enough. It was a confusing time for me during my primary school years, which made me fall under the dissonance stage of the racial identity development model (Atkinson, Morten, & Sue, 1993). However, when I progressed into high school, my outlook on my racial identity changed as I was exposed to more culturally aware individuals. Through ethnic clubs and association with other African Americans, I was able to finally appreciate my heritage and felt a true connection to my fellow racial members.
Moral Development
Growing up in a religious household, learning between right and wrong led my behavior and decisions.

Based on Kohlberg and Piaget’s stages of moral development, I experienced the various levels of ethical behaviors throughout my life. First, exploring Piaget’s heteronomous morality and Kohlberg’s stage one of the preconventional level, I can recall being the model child of good behavior. My behavior was shaped by my mother and other authoritative figures. I possessed a strong fear of being punished if I broke any rules. When I was about seven years old, I vividly remember my afterschool friends trying to decide if we should walk to the corner store on the other street, or walk to the store that was a couple of houses away from us. We were not supposed to leave our street ever; but that day, my friends wanted to try something different. I tried to convince them that we should stay with our store out of fear of getting in trouble by my mother and babysitter. Needless to say, we walked to the next street’s corner store, and I felt extremely guilty in doing so. My guilt was so strong that I actually told on all of us because I felt that we needed to be punished. I was the follower of all rules, with no questions asked. Furthermore, Kohlberg’s individualistic orientation delves into the best interest of the child, at the limited expense of helping others. In other words, the child may reason how he or she will benefit from meeting the needs of others (Broderick & Blewitt, 2015).

As a young girl, I always enjoyed helping my mother with daily chores, such as washing dishes or sweeping. However, as I approached puberty, around 11 years old, my mother demanded that I continue to do chores. By this time, I had lost my excitement in helping out with the chores; therefore, I constantly complained and gave my mother a hard time. The following week or so, I had a discussion with one of my friends, who informed me that she gets an allowance for doing chores. Right away, I asked my mother if I could receive an allowance for doing chores, and she agreed. In a sense, my mother scratched my back, as I scratched hers.
Nonetheless, Kohlberg’s stage three of the conventional level focuses on seeking out approval from others and avoiding disapproval (Broderick & Blewitt, 2015). When I moved to a new town and enrolled in a new school, I exhibited the social-relational perspective. Since I did not have any friends and wanted to be accepted, I tried to be extremely nice to everyone. I was fortunate enough to make a few good friends, and also gain respect from my peers. However, reflecting back to that time, I do not believe that many of my actions were genuine; instead, I put on a façade in order to gain approval. The next stage of the conventional level deals with member-of-society perspective. During this stage, obeying rules is valued in order to maintain order in society (Broderick & Blewitt, 2015). As a young adult, I always considered myself a law-abiding citizen because of societal rules, and never questioning its authority. However, as I am becoming more aware of today’s racial issues, I noticed that some of society’s rules do not coincide with my own beliefs and principles, which places me in Kohlberg’s level three postconventional stage.
With the recent surge of African American murders by White police officers, I question social conventions. If society was just, I would assume that White police officers, and officers in general, would be accounted for their actions; but they are able to walk away freely from murder. People place so much trust in officers who are meant to serve and protect; however, many African Americans, especially, are living in fear when approached by police officers. My moral development within this stage was initially spurred by the murder of my cousin on his wedding day by police officers over a decade ago. When the verdict was delivered that none of the police officers would be accounted for their actions, I concluded at that moment that society may not be set up for African Americans and other minorities. In other words, society rules are not meant to protect us, even if we followed them perfectly. Therefore, many minorities have declared war on police officers, which is typically against the law. But society and the justice system has failed minorities to the point where they are now following their own laws. Although violence is never the answer, I understand minorities’ recent actions against police officers.
Conclusion
Overall, my personal development was shaped by an array of life altering experiences. First, my adult attachment of anxiously attached was created by my father’s lack of presence in my life. Even when he had the opportunity to rebuild our relationship, he failed me, which affected how I connected with future romantic partners. Nonetheless, the development of my racial identity was affected by the media, family, and peers. Because of my low self-esteem, I developed a self-deprecating attitude. Lastly, my moral development gradually developed into Kohlberg’s postconventional stage, where my principles do not coincide with society’s rules. Ultimately, reflecting on my development will assist in learning about my client’s development as it relates to their overall wellbeing.