Hidden Emotions

747 Words2 Pages

The siren was wailing at the unmoving traffic. The drivers either unaware or uncaring as to our presence, stubbornly refuse to move. Repeatedly I blow the air horn at them, hoping they will move. I don’t understand how they can’t hear it. The sound is deafening inside the cab of the rescue. “Rescue 14, you’re responding to a 48 year old male in cardiac arrest. CPR is in progress.” The words of the dispatcher through the radio resonate in my head. This is the moment I have been simultaneously waiting for and dreading. As I head to my first cardiac arrest as a paramedic, the culmination of years in training, I have no idea the lasting impact it will have on my life. My feelings will forever be altered by the events about to unfold.
“Turn left on the next road, then it will be the third house on the left,” I calmly tell the driver. I must keep my demeanor professional and show no emotion. It feels to be an impossible task, I want to yell, scream, jump anything to show the emotions I’m repressing! My mouth is so dry I can hardly swallow. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, and every major muscle in my body is tense. As we turn onto the road, there is nothing out of the ordinary. A few toys discarded by children are left front yards. Trash bins sit by the roadside patiently waiting to be serviced. Several people down the road are having a conversation, perhaps discussing their plans for the evening. All of them unaware a person is fighting to survive inside the peaceful facade of a home. We arrive on scene and I jump to work.
Time seems to stand still, as I run towards the house. It’s a simple home, with white paint that is peeling. A brown lawn crumples under my every footstep, and a tired patio set th...

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... hard and emotionless as the peeling walls of the home we’ve just departed. I leave him with the hospital staff and tell them this man’s story. Then I slump in a chair to take in all that just happened. The world seemed to stop for the time I was with him; I had so many feelings it’s time to process them. I look at my watch and realize this whole time has only been 15 minutes.
As the years have gone by, I have hidden my feelings away from the world, as I had done this day. To be the best at what I do, I must stay stoic as a Spartan. Happiness and sadness are no longer things I’m able to express. They are my own, hidden away inside of me. Just as the house contained this man’s struggle for life. I’ll always remember all the things I experience in life. The emotions invoked and the events surrounding them, but they will forever be locked away inside of me.

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