Disappointment and Resilience: An Immigrant's Tale

Walking Disappointment Have you ever felt like a disappointment? No matter how hard you try or how successful you are, at the end of the day you’re still a disappointment. If your answer is yes then welcome to my life, if your answer is no, let you tell you, my friend, you’re blessed. Spending my whole childhood in Serbia was a blessing. Growing up was simple; I had all the friends in the world, I went on adventures kids could only dream of and I wasn’t tied to a screen like many adolescences are nowadays. One of the greatest blessing in my life was my childhood and the freedom I experienced growing up in Serbia, but that blessing came to a quick stop. Moving to United States was one of the most difficult times in my life. I had no friends,

At the age of fifteen I started to question my sexuality. At the time I did not know how to explain the feelings I was having which led to a lot of confusion in my life. As I started to get older, I started to struggle even more to the point of where I had depression. Serbia is a very conservative country and I knew that if I was “different” from everyone else I wouldn’t be accepted. My mother grew up in a culture and century where being gay was the greatest shame one could have; so how could she live with a daughter that is gay? The biggest fear I had when I was a teenage was disappointing my parents for being different, so I decided to keep it to myself. I felt exactly like the girl in the in the poem, “Suicide Note” written by Janice Mirikitani. Her biggest fear was disappointing her parents, which eventually led her to take her own life. “Not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough” are repetitive lines that we see throughout the whole poem. The author’s use of repetition is a way for us to see the main point; to see the struggles of this young girl and experiences what she’s going

“Not good enough” is the thought that comes to my mother’s head every time she lays her eyes on me. “Not good enough” is the phrase that will follow me for the rest of my life. Coming out was one of the hardest experiences I have ever had. I remember the day I came out to myself. I was on my way to work, driving with an Ed Sheeran song playing. I was having a conversation with myself and God. Every Sunday I went to church I would pray to be “normal”. I sat in church every Sunday morning begging God to make me normal, but clearly that did not work. Eventually, I realized that this is the life God wanted me to have and I must be okay with it. As I was driving I just started to break down, not because I finally realized I was gay but because I felt free. I was no longer being dragged down by this burden and for the first time in a long time I sensed what freedom was. As I started to tell my closest friends, to my surprise, all I received from them was love and support which made my journey easier. I felt like I was on top of the world will all the love I was receiving from my closest friend, however that would soon come to an