How to Break-Up (Online or Otherwise)
In the last year, I have watched the fallout from a number of relationships and break-ups take over the bulletin boards. These problems have caused hurt feelings, have ended friendships, and have come to involve dozens of people (through bulletin boards, email, and other electronica) who have no personal stake in the outcome. The emotional devastation these poorly handled situations bring is totally unnecessary, and prompted the following.
The following is not scientific fact: it is based on my own observations, the experiences of my friends (male and female; straight, gay, and bi) and family, and a lot of tired, commercial popular psychology. That doesn't, however, mean that it's bad advice.
[sanctimony]
1. Do it in person. If this is an online relationship, it may not be possible. That doesn't give you an excuse to send a Dear John/Jane e-mail. Get as close to in-person as you can, given the limitations of space and time. Call on the phone if you must, go over if you can. But NEVER break up with an answering machine, an e-mail account, or a public forum. You and your ex both deserve better: if this relationship ever meant anything to you, it needs closure. If it didn't, you have no right to take that out on them by treating them callously; it's not your ex's fault that you don't love them anymore. You are not "off the hook," you still have to treat them like a real person, with actual feelings.
2. Be honest, and do it before you're so upset that you can't be reasonable. If you're having problems, that doesn't necessarily mean that your partner knows about them or understands what they can do to help. Take the time to let them know what's bothering you. If your partner really cares about you, chances are some compromise can be reached, or they will at least try to address the behaviors that make you crazy. If it's unsalvagable, at least show them enough respect to end things finally, and with dignity. Don't say you want to be "friends" if what you really mean is "drop dead, you jerk." There's a big difference between letting someone down easy and leaving them hanging, emotionally manipulating them to serve your own ego needs. Be clear, concise, and as reasonable and respectful as possible. This isn't easy for anyone, and your ex deserves, at minimum, as much truth as you can give without being brutal and/or hurtful.
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stop carrying it ALWAYS hurts, a lot. You lose trust for the other person and as you go on you
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