Bearded Culture Speech

716 Words2 Pages

You’ve primped and sculpted, dishevelled and balmed. You’ve sworn on the first micro-millimetres of your bristle that you shall overcome the growth phase, and now you think you have an unconquerable soul, that you are the master of your scruff, you are the captain of your jowl. De rigueur is no longer a concept. It is the personification of your chin.

Hate to break it to you, buddy, but man cannot live on his beard alone. If you aren’t drenched in the sassiness of bearded culture, you are a mere whippersnapper donning facial hair you haven’t earned. Figuratively, your face is as smooth as Katy Perry’s. When you aren’t a connoisseur of the stuff that goes with scruff, you are ‘The Dude’ Lebowski, not Kris Kristofferson. Don’t know who Kris …show more content…

It represents the inner caveman’s determination to get what he wants, to hell with the consequences, while simultaneously personifying the kind of masculine fantasy you’d find on the cover of Esquire Magazine. It is, impossibly, John Steinbeck, The Incredible Hulk, and Tom Ford wrapped up in one gleaming package filled with bourbon. If anyone ever tells you hip flasks are for just carrying booze, slap them and feel superior while you do it. The second you wear a hip flask, your eyes magically turn into those squinty, sexy slits that say, “I know you want me, baby.” And she will want you. And she will look like Giselle Brundchen—if you choose the right …show more content…

After all, if you’re eccentric enough to carry off that visible manhood on your face, you’ve got the flamboyance to work with the gear that goes with it. Why should you shun the easy access of your wrist watch? Because last week when I was on a date with my fiancée, a hirsute man at the next table casually pulled out his fob, so I spurned holy union and made beard-man take me to the nearest hotel.

Get the Stuff: Your purchasing expedition will be fraught with strife and blood curdling danger…okay, that was a touch melodramatic, but seriously, most brand titans have eschewed the pocket watch. This serves you because it thrusts you into the vintage market your stubble demands you know intimately. Artisanship may well be endangered to the rest of the world, but it is your mantra. Say it with me: “My face is a living example of artisanship and so is my stuff. This makes me humbly superior to the pre-pubescently smooth human race.” Now go forth and conquer.

Rad

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