Baseball Monologue

When I looked at you, I had nothing but honor and respect towards you. You were always someone who I could look up to and come to for advice when I needed someone to talk to. You looked at me as a grand-daughter and I saw you as a grandfather. I was just getting ready to come see you celebrate my first baseball win as the lead pitcher when my mother got the call. When she told me you passed away, I couldn’t breathe. I just stood there numb and in shock. I didn’t want to believe it. When it finally sank in, the tears were pouring down my face. I couldn’t control them. I felt like I just had my heart ripped out of my chest. Losing you was the most devastating experience I ever had. I was only 12 years old and never experienced a loss of a loved

one before. I understood what it meant to lose someone, but didn’t understand how to handle it and went through many phases from anger, to depression and then acceptance.

For months after you passed, I had this ball of fury bundle up inside me.

I would lash out at anyone who even asked me how I was doing. I would walk around with my jaw and my fists clenched as if I was expecting a fight. I couldn’t even walk on to a baseball field or look at anything baseball related without my face getting hot. I completely stopped playing baseball all together because that was mine and your sport. You showed me how to hit and catch a ball. Taught me that even though I might have been the shortest on the team, if I worked hard and practiced, I could still surpass even the tallest person. Spent weeks working with me on my pitching so I could make the lead pitcher for my team. Just the thought of baseball reminded me of that horrible day. It made my hands shake, my heart race, and would turn my face the color of an apple. I would throw or rip up anything that reminded me of you. The pictures I had of you, I hid away so I wouldn’t have to see your face. I was mad at you because you left me without saying goodbye. Also, I was mad at myself for not telling you I loved you every time I saw you, and for not letting you know just how much I appreciated everything you did for

me.

Once I realized there was nothing anyone could have done to stop it, I became completely devoid from everyone and everything.

I would cry myself to sleep every night wondering why you had to leave. I felt empty inside. Just a shell of who I once was. My parents were so worried about me, but I couldn’t stop the unbearable pain it caused in my chest. My lips would tremble and my eyes would water at just the thought of you. There was a constant frown on my face that made me look like a sad clown. You were my hero. The person I looked up to and was proud to know. Many kids looked up to celebrities and sports stars at that age, but I looked up to you. I wanted to be like you and be everything you taught me to be. When you passed away, I felt as if my life got turned upside down and nothing made me happy anymore. I didn’t know how to get passed the sadness and grief. I was so overwhelmed and

confused.

Then I realized that life goes on, I couldn’t keep dwelling on something that couldn’t be changed. I slowly started opening up and experiencing life again. After nearly a year since you passed, I finally accepted what life took away from me. Instead of feeling sad at the loss of you, I started remembering all the good times I shared with you. Like the time I hit my first home run, you were so proud of me that you took me out for ice-cream to celebrate. Remembering moments like that brought a smile to my face. A small laugh would escape my lips and joy would fill my heart. The light started to break through all the darkness I built around my heart. When I finally picked up my ball and glove after all that time, I felt like me again. Though I will always miss you, I knew you would live on through my memories of you.

It’s been ten years now and I still think about you often. I remember all the good time I shared with you and try teach my children everything you have taught me. They will probably get tired of all the stories I will tell them, but they will know how much you meant to me. When they get older, I will teach them everything about baseball, if they choose to want to play, just like you taught me. Your passing was my first experience with a loss of a loved one, and it was the most devastating and hardest experience I ever had to go through. Being so young, I didn’t know how to handle such a loss. I was so angry at first, then depressed, but I finally was able to find acceptance your passing. A loss of a loved one is a hard experience to go through no matter your age, but that person will always live on through your memories.