What Motivates Me to Learn

930 Words2 Pages

10:35 p.m. It’s quiet. Everyone is asleep. The only sound is from the turning of a page and of my pen as I write notes. The room is dim, only the light from a small lamp with the shade turned toward me is glowing so I don’t have to turn on the much brighter, overhead light. I settle into my “study zone”, which is the seat on the couch next to the table with the lamp; a blanket, and a pillow on my lap to support my notebook and whatever text I’m studying. This is my ritual, night after night. It’s an early start each morning following only a few hours of sleep. Always up before six, I have a full day ahead of me! Any doubt of my exhaustion can be exonerated by the dark circles under my eyes and obvious sleep deprivation written all over my face. I’m frustrated and in tears. I scream to myself, “I can’t do this! What was I thinking? I’m too old, I don’t have time, and I’m definitely not smart enough”! All these thoughts bounce around in my head like the ball in a pinball machine but I’m the one about to go “tilt”. At 39 years old, I decided to go back to school with the intention of obtaining a degree.

Why? Why am I pushing, forcing myself to read the chapter again, find more algebra problem examples, or practice writing HTML code that isn’t even assigned? Why do I fight fatigue daily when I could just as easily take a nap instead of torturing myself with trying to write the perfect paper for a psychology class that has nothing to do with my degree? What contributed to this decision to not only go back to school after almost 20 years, but to attack it with the intensity of a speeding 18-wheeler going down a steep mountainside? Insanity? Probably.

I never had an “A-ha!” moment when I said to myself that I w...

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...s the Japanese see the results of productivity they are looking for on paper, they don’t care how the outcome is achieved.

FPI took many things from me such as dignity and self-worth, replacing them with a clinical depression disorder. A chaotic work schedule kept me from my family when I needed them and they needed me. Although my time there was tumultuous, it was also a learning experience—it was the beginning of the end. The end of how I wanted to live my life. The end of being disparaged. I knew that I never want to be employed in a factory ever again. Moreover, I didn’t want to be an employee of anyone ever again but ached to be my own boss. Short of winning the lottery or marrying a millionaire, the only way to achieve that is to further educate myself. So here I am; exhausted and weak, I am ready to learn. I am ready for the new beginning.

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