Writing on Demand

The English Composition course I have been taking has required me to do one of the things I hate to do most, write on command. When I write, really write, I have to be inspired and it has to have a personal meaning for me. I have avoided this course for years, but now I believe there is a reason I was meant to take it at this time in my life.

Each essay I have had to create has, at first, seemed an impossible chore. Suddenly though, each time, some event in my life would form a story in my mind, and become an obsession I had to write down. When this happened, each story took on a life of its own. I didn't control the story, it controlled me, and each time I could barely type fast enough to get the flowing thoughts out. I was surprised every time I finished to have learned something new about myself, though I doubt it was obvious to the reader, and I found it therapeutic.

Five essays so far in different assigned writing styles on very diverse topics, all based on recent events in my life. All were unrelated, or so I thought, until I saw a common theme, the undercurrent, my meaning. I had been writing about changes in my life, a shift in my own thinking, and ways I have recently learned to cope with different stressors in my life. I had been writing to myself.

It was an epiphany. The revelation was not just about the connection in my essays, but also that of the single, specific event that began these shifts in perception, these ripples in the pond of my life.

This would be my final essay for this class, and now I knew what it had to be about. It wasn't a safe or appropriate topic, and if I could have chosen another I would, but there was no choice. The story was already alive and breathing in my mind, demanding to be...

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...d makes me realize how happy I have become, and how grateful I am for this new part of my life. I am proud of what I am.

In addition, I also realized I didn’t have to type my list of long term effects. Somebody already did. Many people did. One question I had posed to the others was “How does your Masochism enhance/hinder/effect the other parts of your life?” No one had to respond, but they did. Every one of them responded because it was a subject very near and dear to their own hearts.

We are Masochists. We all feel it. It is an essential part of us that has always been there. We know what we need, and we know how to get it. We crave it within the very essence of our being. It is indescribable. We surrender to it. We will do anything to get there. Well, anything within pre-negotiated “hard limits”, of course. Why or how doesn’t matter. Who cares?