Graduation Speech

For some of you graduates, this will be the last ceremony you might ever sit through. Most of us, though, and I regret that I am in this group, will sit through many more ceremonies -- ceremonies longer and more tedious that this or anything else you can imagine. If you think this is bad, try a college graduation. Think, that is, attend a wedding. And, if just for a moment you think that that is bad, just be thankful you have never attended or will attend a Bar Mitzvah.

The only ceremony I think anybody would truly enjoy attending is a funeral. But, only if you are lucky enough, or unlucky enough, to be the guest of honor, because, really, that will be the only time you will be able to be honored at a ceremony and not have to make chit chat with a bunch of strangers afterwards. I hate chit chat. Mindless talk, with really no subject to talk about. People love to chit chat after ceremonies, especially after graduations. Be prepared fellow students. Be prepared. Look around at the people in the stands. They are eyeing you, picking you out. They are going to find you, and they are going to chit chat. I think it is these costumes we are wearing. Something about us all dressing alike that makes people tend to think we're all the same person. They look at one of us in cap and gown, and figure they might as well talk to us like we're all the same relative they came to see. Note to guests: Just because you are Uncle Lenny, does not make you my Uncle Lenny. My Uncle Lenny could not attend tonight. He is the guest of honor at a funeral.

Well now I am a minute or so into my speech and all I have done is rant and I have said anything of importance, so let me do that, now. Usually people like to choose a quote to use in speeches like the...

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... from there my sultry suburbanite.

I know what some of you are thinking right now, though. You right there, you are saying, "Hey guy, while I'm over here thinking about how purty I am and how not-so-purty my neighbor is, my neighbor is thinking the same thing about me. It don't work. Your hypothesis is unfeasible." Well, let me tell you this right now, and it is just between me and you. You are the real good-looking one. Let that beastly person next to you think whatever they want, both me and you know who is hot, and who is not.

You will all find this helpful in your lives. Just remember that cardinal rule. When two people are next to each other, one of them has to be better looking than the other, and it might as well be you. Unless, of course you're sitting next to me you infectious flap-mouthed scut, you.

Thank you all, for your sweetly faked attention.