Vyvian Monologue

Vyvian, 

I was reading a book today and I saw two quotes that instantly reminded me of you; the book that I was reading is about a girl who has leukemia.
I know that you might think that it's a bit obscure for me to be comparing you to a girl who is battling leukemia, but I'm going to try to transmit an important message: you don't have to pretend that you're okay and it's fine to show your emotions.

"I admire a lot of things about you. I admire how smart you are, how perceptive, and observant. What I'm just really in awe of is your patience. If it was me, I would be angry, miserable, hurtful, and just terrible to be around. You've been so strong throughout and so patient, even when things aren't going right, and I'm in awe of that. And you've made me feel blessed."

I remember how horrible it felt to sit alone at school, while everyone else had someone next to them.
It seemed like I was invisible, like I wasn't even supposed to be there.
I felt lonely because I would spend each school day

trying to avoid people, while simultaneously wishing that I could feel connected with everyone else.

That "horrible" feeling went away when you kept talking to me, despite how uncomfortable my blushing seemed to make you.
That invisibility shield seemed to have fallen off when you first told me "hello."
The feeling of loneliness slowly faded when I realized that you wanted to get to know me.

I was terrified to talk to you, but I didn't want to be because you seemed genuinely nice and caring.
I tried my best to hide my anxiety from you, but my blushing face always appeared when we would have a conversation.
I'm sorry if you felt uncomfortable every time my face would turn red; I assume that you felt uneasy because you would glance down at my cheeks and become fidgety.

I admire how smart you are because regardless of what you have going on in your life, you always put your right foot in front of your left and continue onward. I remember how Autumn and I were trying to help you manage your schoolwork during senior year: you were busy with about 500 other things going on and school was stressing you out. Autumn and I both tried to make a schedule for you, but there wasn't enough time in your day. Even though there wasn't enough time in your day, you still managed to graduate high school with not only your diploma, but three associate degrees. You had so many honor cords and you were the only one with a graduation stole. Whenever I feel like school is too much, I remember your success and I tell myself "if Vyvian was able to get three associate degrees, I should be able to get at least one." I always think about you when I think that I can't accomplish something because even though you had 500 other things going on, you still appeared in the Albuquerque Journal and all of the news stations, forever known as the girl who is "18 with a high school diploma and 3 degrees." 

I admire how perceptive and observant you are because you noticed that I was alone most of the time and you were the first one who did something about it. I felt minuscule and unimportant, but you made me stop feeling like that after we started talking. I don't know how I would have gotten through the last two years of high school without you. You introduced me to other people and I am thankful that you did; I wasn't sure how much longer I could continue to feel overwhelmed by that heavy amount of loneliness. When we had just started talking, I would think of you and remind myself that I had you in my life. This is going to be the first time that I tell you this: when I felt suicidal, you would instantly come to my mind. After four lonely months, I finally found someone who cared and I wanted our friendship to grow.

I admire how patient you are because if it were me, "I would be angry, miserable, hurtful, and just terrible to be around." I don't know how you are behind closed doors: I'm not sure if you cry yourself to sleep at night or have bad dreams, but what I do know is that you're so strong.

I felt sick to my stomach and angry when you told me about what happened.
How can someone mistreat a beautiful soul who puts nothing but greatness into the world?
How can someone do such a terrible thing to an amazing girl who is selfless?
How can someone harm a girl who is modest when it comes to talking about herself?

I will never be able to answer these questions; these questions haunt me.
There are disgraceful people in this world and I'm sorry that you had to encounter two of them at once.
I feel so much pain for you. 
You have to feel something.
Please admit that you feel confused, sad, resentful.
Admit that you are feeling something unpleasant.
Be honest about how you feel.

Please.

You have made me feel blessed because you came into my life at a time when I was convinced that there was nothing but ugly in the world; you showed me that there is beauty that still needs to be seen and that there are people who throw so much love into the world.

Nobody would stop to think that the 18 year old girl with a high school diploma and three degrees could have been raped.
Nobody would stop to think that a smiling girl at a graduation ceremony could have been raped just a few days before.
Nobody would stop to think that a beautiful soul who is selfless and modest could have been raped.

I didn't know, even though you consider me as "one of your best friends."
I didn't know, even though I thought I knew you so well.
I didn't know because you hid your pain. 
You don't have to hide your pain.

It was nice to have all these concrete tasks to do and be sort of distracted and consumed by them. It kept me from thinking about every depressing weird thing that was going on at that time.