Unstoppable

On March 14 of last year, my husband and I welcomed our beautiful little girl into the world. It was not an ideal arrival, and we certainly were not prepared for the inevitable chain of events that would occur. I remember the setting with such clarity and precision that it seems somehow unreal; a figment of an overactive imagination. It was around 11:20PM and I had been in labor for 17 hours. We were anxiously awaiting the moment when we would finally get to meet our little girl for the first time. At 11:46PM, the doctor told me to give one more big push. I was so exhausted but determined to do my best, there was a reward at the end of this marathon. A nurse pushed my husband out of the way and jumped on top of my stomach. It was such a dramatic event, I remember it so vividly. I looked up to see my doctor holding my sweet angel. She was tiny, dark blue and hadn't started crying. I then realized when he quickly handed her over to the nurse that she was not breathing. An alarm sounded over head, "code blue, code blue" and a swarm of nurses swooped in and huddled over her tiny body.

It was in those precious moments that my life flashed before my eyes, I began to pray and tried my best to remain calm. I reached for my husband's hand and watched a tear roll down his face. His face was pale and I knew he was trying to hide the panic in his expression. My mom was in the room and also a witness to this tragedy. We had lost our first baby early in the pregnancy. I couldn't imagine getting all the way to the end of this pregnancy without reaping the benefits, it seemed unbearable. After what seemed like an eternity, my daughter let out a soft cry and color flushed to her small body. I was a roller coaster of emotions, scared, sad, upset, ...

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...NG tube, a tiny tube that was forced down her throat and attached to a pump fed her every few hours. We had a speech therapist trying to teach her to drink from a special bottle. It was agonizing to watch as she choked on nearly every drop of milk at first. Slowly, she began to drink more and more but it was still not enough to sustain the proper nutrition a newborn needs. Eventually, we decided to put a G-tube in place. The doctor's criticized me for wanting this for my child. What parent would choose an elective surgery? Why not just let her stay in the hospital for months learning to properly feed? My husband and I put a lot of thought into that decision, he advised us that most babies with a cleft palate as severe as my daughter's didn't start eating from a bottle until around nine or ten months old. We were not going to leave our baby in the hospital that long.