Stephanie Coontz's Essay 'Five Myths About Marriage'

Many years ago, people believed that married couples would hinder the community as a whole. It was believed that married couples would only worry about pleasing their spouse and lose focus on the community. Over time there was a greater importance placed on marriage. According to Stephanie Coontz, author and family studies professor, in her essay “Five Myths about Marriage” she states that marriage used to be viewed as an“institution that organized everyone’s life, but they put more value on it as a relationship based on fairness, intimacy and fidelity.” That changing view has inadvertently made people more accepting of divorce. For most people, marriage is viewed as a sacred, lifelong commitment, but when the vows are broken by one spouse,

it can lead to great suffering for the other spouse and be harmful to their children.
I believe that one of the threats to marriage is the breaking of the fidelity vow.

The importance placed on fidelity has probably never been higher than it is today. In Stephanie Coontz’s essay, “Five Myths about Marriage,” she states that according to a 2010 Gallup Poll that only 23% of Americans believe that divorce is morally wrong, while 92% believe it is immoral for married men and women to have an affair. Mary Malone, a married high school teacher says, “Based on my own life experiences, I can name several examples in which a couple, with and without children, divorced instead of having an affair and hiding it from one of the spouses. They filed for a non-contest divorce to acknowledge that the fidelity piece of the vows could no longer be upheld” (M. Malone, personal communication, January 16,

2017).
The increased value of the fidelity vow could be attributed to the fact that with the advancement of technology it is much easier to get in contact with anyone from anywhere. Social media sites, like Facebook, has given everyone the ability to get in contact with anyone around the world. There are also “hookup” sites and apps that get you in contact with others in your location that are interested in having sex. All of these sites and apps have made having an affair easier than ever. As a result of infidelity, the spouse that has been cheated on can lose trust and respect for their partner and any other future relationships could be affected. If the couple has children, their lives are going to be affected as well because so many children are used as pawns and put in the middle of their parent’s divorce.
In her essay, Coontz attempts to debunk the myth that divorce is harmful for women and children.

I do agree with Coontz that there are some situations which it is better for the wives and children to get out of a marriage where emotional and physical abuse is present. If women and children get out of that kind of situation, I believe their lives can change for the better. However, they still have to go through years of possible therapy and emotional distress in order to cope with their past experiences. I also agree with her claim that in many cases children’s behavior problems preexisted the divorce and are the result of the dysfunction that led to

divorce.
Even those women and children that go through an amicable divorce, still have to endure hardships and hurt emotions for years to follow. Women have to learn how to live on one income and they have to adjust and work with their exes to on parenting schedules. Children have to adjust to living in two separate households and in some cases they have to change schools. Being a child of divorce, I can attest to there being lasting harmful effects of divorce. Even though my parent’s divorce was for the most part amicable, I still took its toll. I became more withdrawn and I just could not get used to not having both parents in the same household. To this day, I still am not okay with this change. If I have good or bad news, I have to make two separate phones. If I go visit with one, then I have to go visit the other so one parent does not feel slighted. Holidays require special scheduling to accommodate everyone’s scheduling. I can understand that to some people these are minor inconveniences, but it still leaves me with feeling hurt.
In conclusion, marriage has evolved over time, from being an organized institution to being a relationship based on fairness, intimacy and fidelity. Through social media and “hook up” apps, fidelity has a higher importance due to the fact that it has become easier for people to have affairs. Women and children in dysfunctional household, can greatly benefit from leaving the marriage, but they also have to face years of therapy to undo the emotions left from the physical and emotional abuse they had to suffer. Even children, whose parents had an amicable divorce, can experience harmful effects. Hopefully those that experienced the harmful effects of divorce can get the help they need and those entering into marriage will be able avoid physical and emotional abuse and be able to work to sustain the marriage.