Personal Success, Seizures, Depression And Suicide

Before the age of 15, I was as healthy as anyone could wish to be. In my sophomore year of high school, though, my seizures began. Nobody knew what they were at first; they looked as if I was passing out. These “episodes” as my mom and I were calling them, were finally defined as seizures when a nurse at the hospital saw that during one of my “episodes” I would clench my jaw shut and my muscles would tighten and shake.

Doctors put me on three different medications over the next few years. The first , Dilanton, did nothing for me. The second, Tegratoal, was killing my white blood cells which made me extremely sick. The third , Depekot, worked, but with it came some nasty side affects, and I was still having seizures two to three times a week. I became depressed after a year of having seizures and being told by many doctors that they didn’t know what was causing it. The doctors also didn’t know how to treat it.

I missed a lot of school my sophomore and junior year, which was why my grades weren’t what I wanted them to be. My teachers harped at me about not getting my work done. They didn’t understand. I also got a lot of strange looks from people when I walked down the hall. Most of my seizures happened during school.

I can’t be positive about when my depression began to reach a climax. Maybe it was when my mom and her boyfriend would yell and scream at each other about how they were going to pay for all the hospital expenses. Or maybe it was all those nights lying in bed listening to my mom cry. Whatever the reason(s), I developed the mindset that I was causing my family all this pain, that it was my fault, I would never get into college, so it would be best if I wasn't around anymore. I felt other no emotion except sadness. I felt as if I were walking in a different dimension. I could see and hear people, but nothing anyone said made any difference to me. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. The world no longer had any color in it; it was all black and white; this is what I saw.

I thought about how much better life would be for everyone if I were gone.