Personal Narrative: Why I Love Pro Wrestling

I’ve recently become a huge fan of pro wrestling, if only ironically. The melodramatic promos, the ridiculous moves, the muscular men few Divas that don’t make my penis retract into my body. They’re all reasons why I love pro wrestling… at least, I did for a while…
It all started when my friend and I rented WWE 2K14 for the PS3. We were expecting total garbage, but the game was amazing. There’s just something so satisfying and fun about that game. A big part of the fun was creating retarded characters in the “Create-A-Superstar” mode. In addition, the “30 Years of Wrestlemania” provided a lot of big laughs (the interviews from the first 6 years or so are spectacular) and some memorable matches (my favorite is the one where Stone Cold passed

out in a submission hold). The matches in that mode included historical objectives, which correlated with events in the actual match. Players can choose to complete all the historical objectives for each match in order to obtain a set of unlockables, or simply ignore them and advance through the mode.
A couple weeks after renting the game, both of us purchased it for our respective PS3’s. I played it daily for a couple months or so until I just didn’t have time to play that often anymore. Still, the Hulkster and the Macho Man and the stunning Summer Rae (I’d like cast a ray on her, if you know what I mean) were always on the backburner. I was obsessed with the sport.
One night, I decided to play through the Wrestlemania mode from beginning to end again, or at least get as far as I could. It started off with the only available match from the inaugural Mania, Andre the Giant versus Big John Studd. The match’s win conditions were that, if Andre body-slammed Studd, he would win the match. After completing the match’s first historical objective, the announcers started speaking in broken English. The first thing that Jerry Lawler said afterwards was something like, “But great Andy Giant hit the John Studworth with clothesline, JR!” It was at that point that the in-game font changed for no reason to a more foreboding and grungy font.
I wrote it off as an Easter Egg or something (I laughed at how dumb it was, really) and skipped the Cage Match with Hulk Hogan and King Kong Bundy, mainly because there’s not a lot of potential for clichés in that one. But once I got to the match between Andre the Giant and the Hulkster, all Hell broke loose. Early in the match, Miss Elizabeth entered the ring, and Andre the Giant threw her out of the ring. As she flew 30 feet above the crowd, she exploded and remains rained down on the fans, who began committing suicide one by one.
Suddenly, two wrestlers ran from nowhere and slid through the ring from opposite sides. It was Ted “The Billion Dollar Baby” DiBiase and Bill “Bill” Goldberg. The Million Dollar Mack Daddy stood beside the Giant, and Goldberg stood next to the Hulkster; in other words, the heels and faces separated into two factions. Goldberg speared Ted, then stood him up. Andre the Giant and the Hulkster traded punches. Bill did signature stomping taunt, then grabbed Ted’s head, relocating it to his waist. Oh shit, the jackhammer, I thought. And sure enough, the Trillion Dollar Titty Man saw his world turned upside down by Bill Goldberg. Goldberg held him upside down for almost a minute (there was a clock on the bottom right corner of the screen for no goddamn reason), then slammed him so hard, the Thousand Dollar Thesis turned to dust.
This is fucking mayhem, I thought. There’s no way this isn’t a glitch, though. Yeah, this is definitely a glitch. Suddenly, the heel squad was joined by none other than the Iron Sheik. The Sheik shouted, “BULLA BULLA BULLA BULLA,” then hit himself in the chest with great force. I was confused… until the fucker exploded, knocking Goldberg far out of the ring and through the barricade, crushing a legion of fans like a steamroller would.
The next two wrestlers out were Stone Cold and Bret Hart.

Hart hit the Hulkster with a quick ringbell shot, but the Hulkster was unfazed. Stone Cold threw the Hitman out of the ring, then hit him with the same bell that was meant to bust the Hulkster’s head open. The Hitman was, in fact, busted wide open, and Steve Austin hit him with a Sharpshooter, refusing to let go until the Hitman passed out. Steve then beat him with a bat a few times, then threw his body into the crowd, where he was taken back to the lair of a legion of cultist fans and never seen again.
With two faces to one heel, the Giant was visibly worried about the match. Suddenly, about twenty wrestlers entered the ring simultaneously. Stone Cold tried to hit Kofi Kingston with the quick stunner, but Kofi jumped over him and hit him with his best Jackie Chan moves. Stone Cold was turned into a gold statue immediately upon impact. The Ultimate Warrior swung the statue around, crushing Kofi, as well as Shawn Michaels and Edge. Eventually, the torque was too much, and the Warrior lost both his arms. Don’t worry; they grew back in a matter of

seconds.
Randall Todd, one of my created characters, pulled a ladder out from under the ring, but then the ladder became sentient and killed him. Another one of my characters, a “special” boy named Pablo, hit himself with a baseball bat until his helmet broke, and so did his retarded skill. Yokozuna sat on at least five wrestlers, who disappeared when he stood up. They are presumed to be stuck somewhere in Yokozuna’s ass fat. Razor Ramon set up the ladder that killed Randall and climbed to the top of it, but then the Undertaker did an especially high-flying Deadman’s Dive and sent both of them through the floor and into Hell itself. Kane choke-slammed Big Show into the gaping hole to Hell. Macho Man had Sting on a table, but when he landed the elbow drop, the two melded into a horrible apparition that’s too gruesome to describe.
In all the madness, the Hulkster hit the Giant with a very effective clothesline, which led to his signature, the leg drop.

The few remaining wrestlers, the noteworthy ones being Ricky Steamboat and Rey Mysterio, knew what was coming. Ricky turned into a dragon and fled the stadium. Meanwhile, Rey put both his hands straight in the air, lifting off the ground and slowly accelerating towards the heavens. The Hulkster pointed to the few living crowd members, and began what is traditionally known in weeb circles as the “Super Saiyan Shout.” Hogan stood the Giant up, got him locked in, then hit with a ferocious body slam. An explosion of unprecedented size destroyed the arena, and it was a few minutes before the smoke cleared. Although the arena was but a crater, as was all of Earth, the Hulkster stood in the wreckage. He was the WWE champion, if only because everybody else on Earth was

dead.
The end.