Personal Narrative: Victims Of Bullying

I have been a victim of bullying since middle school. I have not lived in Ocala my entire life. I began my life in Medford, Long Island before moving to Ocala, Florida where I began sixth grade. Everyone at my middle school had grown up together. I believe that going into middle school, where friendships, and social groups had already began, had contributed to my bullying. The classes were small at my middle school, about fifth-teen to a class. This limited my ability to meet peers and make new friends, which lead to a social seclusion that left me exposed to bullying. Being bullied was terrible. I knew it as a child, I know it as and young adult, it absolutely was terrible.

Growing up, I was the so called “stupid” kid, with gapped teeth,

a double chin, and acne. I can giggle about it now, especially after, braces, losing a few pounds, and acne medication. But back then, it was not as easy. One of my earliest memories as a child of bullying was in elementary school when I was hiding on the playground because someone yelled across the field “look at her stupid face”. Honestly, I do not know how children can be so mean. Hiding was better than showing my tears.
I used to act in certain ways because I wanted to be accepted when growing up.

I wanted to be labeled as a “tomboy”. I wanted to be tuff like the boys because they seemed to be unharmed by anything. But leadless to say, that just ended with more bullying. It went from “she’s so little and weak” to “ew, She looks like a boy”. As a young adult, I look at the way I acted back then and I start to think; maybe being bullied as a kid has affected me as a young adult too. Due to being bullied I cannot eat alone in public places, it just terrifies me to the point of tears. I try and sit with anybody I see that is sitting alone. Maybe I do this because of the time in middle school I ate in the school bathroom alone; no one was my friend, so I grabbed my lunch and snuck into the bathroom, and sat on the toilet and waited for the bell to ring. I get very paranoid when friends cancel plans with me or don’t text back. I always feel like there is something happening that I am out of the loop with; maybe they don’t like me anymore? Did I say something wrong? What did I do?. I now suffer from bad insomnia most nights. Many times I lay in bed and my mind will obsess over the same set of thoughts continually. As a result, there are too many times I remain indecisive of what I should do, and too many times I remain simply unsure of myself. Hens why I stutter when I speak in front of people or why I never, ever, ever raise my hand in

class.
Time after time after time, I have felt as if I were the ugliest, most useless, and worthless person in the universe. I also get haunted by thoughts to do with my past, a haunting would be the best way to describe it. I get stressed and scared easily. I'm scared of life and people. It may not seem it. But in my mind, I’m thinking about how everyone who looks at me is judging me. I'm terrified of making new friends for fear that they will judge me for being me. I felt a disconnect with people in general, there is a big part of me that feels somewhat alone and lost when it comes to people.
If I had never been bullied, I know I would have been a completely different person. No more “bitch” face, no more crying in the bathroom because someone said “you look fat, Just no more bullshit. Looking back, the Marion County School system failed me. Every human has the right to be educated, and all I learned was that people have nothing but judgement within them, and that there is an natural cruelty in every person.

While everyone has their breaking point, the scary reality of bullying is that the bullies will push you to your breaking point by any means necessary. When you go through the bullying I went through as a teenager, you believe that it will not get better. People will tell you “ Don’t worrie, tomorrow will be better”. At that moment, that very moment you really just want to die but are too afraid to kill yourself. Rejection and pain continue to haunt me to this very day. Bullying has changed my life forever. There was something planted within me because of being bullied; to be the best I could be because I could not accept that I was so worthless as person (like everyone had been telling me). In my head I kept saying “There had to be a reason for it all - it had to be the type of mental training a super-hero would go through - like fighting all their villains all at once. When I was bullied I was at my lowest point in life - it was my greatest tragedy. Heroes are born from tragedy. I had something to prove. I was going to be better than average. I started with no self-worth, completely broken down from being bullied. I worked hard to break more and more personal records meanwhile I went through months of depression, a lot of self-doubt, and too many episodes of hopelessness. Now here I am. Suffering is a daily struggle for me, but I get through it. I’m better, stronger, and happier. I am Kimberly Marie Knechtel and me being bullied does not define me, it taught me to have courage and be kind.