Personal Narrative On Suicide

I was sleeping peacefully when I heard a riiing sound, I cursed at myself for sleeping in class again. But then again I thought, this was history and all my teacher ever does is talk and assign us tons of homework.

Going out the door, I heard my teacher say, "Detention again today miss Alex."

I cringed at the term 'miss', as I prefer going by they/them pronouns. "See you there miss." I said tiredly.

Grabbing onto my binder tighter and making eye contact with nobody, unless the floor counts, I entered my next class.

"Late again Alex?" My teacher, Miss. LaLonde, asked.

"I'm sorry miss, it won't happen again." I said, suddenly being interested in my shoelaces, as if they were the most fascinating thing in this classroom.

She looked at me

and nodded, dismissing me. I went towards my seat in the back. Not without hearing murmers about me. Most of them were calling me a dyke, a he-she, a freak, and etc. I sighed, it was my second period and the tormenting has already started. When people misgender me, it feels like a thousand paper cuts all over my body. Each representing every 'he' or 'her'. Having people misgender me, even after I've told them my pronouns, feels like the cuts are being soaked with vinegar. I took out my headphones and started playing Of Mice and Men's, "You're Not Alone". I picked at my black nails, noticing I need to redo them. I look like Ruby Rose, haircut wise. But I'm not accepted like she was.

My online friends know who I am though. I always feel so hopeful and glad when I talk to my internet friends. They accept me for who I am. I will never get to see Amez and Kate, as they both live in on the other side of the world. Which makes me want to take a vacation and just travel the world and go to Palestine and the Philippines. But that would never happen. I'm a pansexual agender. Pansexuality is when you're attracted to all genders; girls, boys, transgenders, agenders, and etc. Agender is when you have no gender. Simple as that honestly.

I looked up and there was a new assignment on the board. It read;

NEW ASSIGNMENT; WRITE  FOUR PARAGRAPHS EXPLAINING WHAT YOU NEED IN THIS SOCIETY.
EXAMPLES; I NEED FEMINISM BECAUSE..
I NEED EQUAL RIGHTS BECAUSE...
I NEED MINIMUM WAGE TO BE HIGHER BECAUSE...
DUE NEXT FRIDAY.
GOOD LUCK !! (-:

Miss. LaLonde was pretty nice honestly. She respected the fact I go by they/them and never misgendered me. As Ms. LaLonde was explaining to us our assignment, a huge splat was heard. Everyone looked towards me, as I reached up to touch my hair. I felt a sticky substance in my hair. I immediately took out the spitball while I heard the laughters around me growing. I could feel my heart beating fast, and my eyes beginning to fill up with tears. The same bell rang and I stood up quickly and left the classroom.

Time flew by and as soon as I knew it, there was only a few minutes left in my last period. I was dreading to go to detention. I decided to skip detention, seeming as I had made up my mind, I walked home. I regretted my decision, seeing as detention was better than home. It isn't fun going home to an empty house. Although, Lindy was always there, even though it is her job to clean our house. I was an only child. My mom was always working. Mom is never home but I try to not let it get to me. Lindy is there but she's being paid to be there. It's not the same. It's lonely sometimes. My loneliness always came back, like the ocean always came back to the shore. It feels like I have no one to talk to, I have my mom and Lindy but it's different when talking to them about my feelings. "What's the point in life anyway?" I thought, afterwards I cursed at myself for having such negative thoughts.

Knowing my mom wouldn't be home for a couple hours, I decided to go to the bridge outside the city. I got my keys and quickly changed.

Arriving at the bridge, I looked out at the scenery in front of me. There was nothing, just tons of miles of the ocean down below. My thoughts were clouding up, my heart shattered at every bad memory prickling at my mind. All sorts of happy thoughts came crashing down like waves. I sat at the bridge and just cleared my mind for a while. It was clearly getting dark out but I decided to stay. I seen a figure, walking closer and closer. I laid low, not wanting to be seen.

Sobs were clearly heard and the figure stumbled in their walk. By the way they were crying, it felt like they cried enough water to make the river below.

They got on the bridge, as I got closer. I could see them holding a note and a bottle of pills in the other.

I slowly walked up to them, "Are you planning to jump?"

"W-what? Who are you? If you take a step closer, I will jump." They stuttered. Their eyes held so much pain, filled with tears and sadness.

I raised my hands up defensively and said, "Chillax. I like your shirt."

"Thanks..?" They said,"I like yours too. Nirvana is a pretty rad band."

"Yeah, they totally are.

Anways, what makes you want to do this? I don't think suicide is an option to anything." I said sympathetically.

"How do you know? You don't know my life. Or what I've been through." They said slowly getting angry.

"Why don't you tell me then?" I asked patiently.

They spoke up after a while, playing with their hands and looking down,"These kids at school...they make fun of me for being genderfluid. Please tell me you know what that means, I really don't want to explain it again. And just everything is so, so overwhelming and life is stupid anyways. We're all gonna die. I don't believe in heaven or hell. After I die, everything will be the same, I'm just a little speck in this whole wide universe." They spoke fast, and their words came out mixed with each other, making it hard to hear.

I nodded, "Yeah, I know how that feels but do you really honestly think suicide is an option for this? I mean, its a temporary problem. You have control, please don't end your book here. Things are going to get tough. That's life. You've gone through so much, but you're still here. You're alive."

They asked confused, "Why do you even care?"

I answered sincerely, "You seem like a really cool person, hey, maybe we could hang out and talk about

bands."

"Right now?" they asked waringly.

"Yes, totally, my mom won't be home since she has work and my room is huge with all sort of posters. It'll be fun." I said excitedly.

They hesitated before saying, "Yes."

"Oh wow. Really? This will be cool. Can I say you're my friend? I mean you're coming over my house, that's like an official friendship start." I said, continuing my excited rambling.

They looked relieved in a way. Walking towards the city, under the lights. I took in their appearance. Their eyes were like the sea, so clear, I could see into their soul. They had eyes as blue as a clear sky on a shiny bright day. Their skin was as pale as beautiful snow. They were indescribably beautiful.
"Hey, I never asked, what's your name?" They asked, looking over at me.
"Alex, what's yours," I said shyly.
"I'm Lou..I want to say thank you." They said, looking down with a blush creeping on their cheek, and just a tiny hint of a smile playing at their lips. And oh god, if they weren't so already beautiful.