Personal Narrative: Drowning In My Life

I feel nothing then everything at once. Everything goes black without a sudden notice i'm laying there numb trying to decipher what had just happened physically and mentally. Physically I was tingling everywhere my body was vibrating as if I was one with everything around me. A simplicity only the body can feel but the brain cannot explain. Why do I feel this? Is it because of my settle side effect of depression or is it because of the herb I solemnly inhaled and exhaled as if I have been practicing that patterned routine my whole life. Mentally I went from complete sobority to drowning. But not that kind of drowning where my lungs get filled with water and I choke for one last breath of air. No the kind of drowning that is within one. Drowning in my thoughts and feelings that have no meaning yet control every aspect of my pathetic uncontrollable reality tv show like life.

Three friends, a rotation and some of god's beautiful creation is all it too takes to start this tsunami of feelings that get rushed over me.

Its nice at first though, before the drowning, it's just a nice gentle float. The slow creep of the numbing also enables the slow creep of the grin that always appears on my face after that first huff, puff and cough to follow. Sitting there I let it take over my body embracing the feeling of the sun and wind around me. Amplifying everything I feel I choose to embrace the world around me before I start drowning. Even though I don't feel it yet I know it's coming, it always does. I embrace my friends and there giddily smiles as we all share the same state of

cloudiness.
Pulling up to my perfectly put together house I close my eyes sitting in my car just for a few more moments. Sitting here in the driveway of this orange house in my yellow Volkswagen bug I know i'm about to start drowning. Once I enter this hell hole of a place I call home all my suppressed feelings will come out. I walk in wearing my one dollar thrift store shirt with a bucket hat a good friend left behind. Walking past my mother and father as they sit in their perfect home with their perfect lives no words are exchanged. I feel it, it hits me i'm starting to drown.
Me the policeman's daughter walks into my mess of room accurately showing how much of a mess my life is. I climb into my unmade bed then I just lay in this numbing haze letting the intense satisfaction of this high take over. Dwelling in my sorrow my only real thoughts are what is in my fridge that will cure this indulging emotion for food. When those thoughts slowly slip away from me and my life becomes even more pathetic my mind wonders off to a certain part of my inner self I do not even like to believe is there. This mellow buzz I am experiencing takes a turn on me, turning my thoughts about food into everything bad in my life. I'm completely conscious yet my body lays there limp as if i'm in a state of unconsciousness, me the policeman's daughter doesn't want to believe who I really am.