Personal Narrative Analysis

Throughout the essay, I revised my grammar, word choice, punctuation, and sentence structure. To help my audience have clarity of the college students I was mentioning in my essay I included the time and place in the first paragraph. I cut out text and added words in the second sentence to make it clear to readers when I transitioned to students in my topic; fourth sentence because it was too wordy to understand how college students life style altered when they attended college; fifth sentence because it was imprecise how abnormal sleeping patterns was caused from sleeping; and in the last sentence I replaced a semi-colon punctuation with a word to help readers identify my thesis and clarify that it was a part of the final sentence. In the

second paragraph, I cut out the following text: Junior at the University of Rochester, states and Sharon Glezen, MD, Medical Chief of University Health Services at the University of Rochester, states that although six or more hours may sound like plenty rest, it is not (Zhu 1) because it was irrelevant to my paper. In addition, the third paragraph was paraphrased from my works cited article “Sleep Rocks! ...Get More of It!” instead of adding the author points I cut out the text from “Receiving a lack…and reaction time” and added my own points about college student’s physical health. In the sixth sentence of the third paragraph I cut out “According to...states that” and combined the quote “excessive sleepiness is a leading cause of car and truck accidents” from the “Sleep Rocks! ...Get More of It!” article to the next sentence because there was mixed construction. However, in the last paragraph I cut out text from a pointless block quote that took up half of my essay and added my own points about college student’s mental health. Although I cut out the block quote I did include one quote that was needed to prove my point.