Passionate Learning

Passionate Learning

To lack [self-respect] is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference.....It is the phenomenon sometimes called 'alienation from self.' In it's advanced stage, we no longer answer the telephone, because someone might want something; that we could say no without drowning in self-reproach is an idea alien to this game.

-Joan Didion, "On Self-Respect"

Last Spring, as part of a senior project, I took Tai Chi classes and researched how meditation is used in mind/body medicine. I read several books by doctors who use meditation as a form of healing, in stress-reduction clinics and as treatment for people suffering from severe pain and panic disorders. One doctor in particular, Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn teaches a method he calls mindfulness, in which he has his patients meditate in order to achieve total mind/body awareness. Zinn instructs patients to focus on their pain and to become aware of it. This often helps them realize that they can live with their pain. No pain is too extreme, he says, in the same way that no emotion is a wrong emotion. Awareness is the only absolute, and the only thing that allows people to live in the moment. Not live for the moment, but live in the moment.

I left that project feeling extremely aware and extremely at peace. After three years of struggling to find answers, happiness, and a sense of purpose, I began to appreciate my present state of mind. I began to revel in the struggle, confusion, and push of not knowing. And as I approached graduation, my high school experience suddenly made sense to me. I understood life as a system of games. High school was simply one of them. I came to realize that playing games was both understandable and necessary as long as we are aware that we are playing them. I realized that a major struggle throughout high school had been my struggle to resist playing its game. I spent my three years at boarding school governed by my passions rather than playing by the rules of the institution. And in refusing to play by its rules, I made it increasingly more difficult for me to function within its realm.

By rules, I do not mean the actual do's and don't's, but rather, I am referring to the prompts the school sets up in order to fulfill its goals as an academic institution.