Jumping Event

Analysis

In summary, I tried to make it so people would have sympathy for Tina instead of just making fun of her, for lack of unathletic ability. I made her the victim so the laughter would be taken away from her. Also, I wanted the reader to be able to relate to her.

Paragraph 1- In the first version I talked about how Tina was unathletic and described how she was the girl version of Urkel. In the second version I took that whole line out and described how her glasses show off her intelligence because instead of making fun of her I was giving a compliment, so the reader could relate to her intelligence. I changed the description of her being "worthless" to a "hardworking athlete" because the second version shows she is a hard working kid and many can relate to that.

Paragraph 2- I changed "jumping event" to "Hurdles" because it gives more respect and shows that you care about the event she does. I also changed "preparing for the Olympics" to "making sure everything was ready" because the second sounds like she is just getting ready for the event. I changed the last sentence in the first

version to describing how hard the event is because the reader would have sympathy for how hard the hurdles are.

Paragraph 3- I took out "sweating like a pregnant nun" because that only gives an image of laughter.

I changed the context of the "jersey being wet" because the first version is rude and people shouldn’t be sweating wearing white. I changed "think large glasses" to "glasses" because thick and large creates a funny description. I change "knocked over" to "fell over" because it makes it seem like it was an accident in the second version. I took out "actual athletes" because that makes it seem like Tina is worthless. The first version focused on everyone laughing at her and the second version focused on the pain Tina was going through. I took out "dying fish" because that creates an image of laughter. I changed Tina being the "most unathletic person in the school" to "people not having enough guts" because in the second version it portrays Tina as being a brave

individual.

Paragraph 4- I made sure in the second version to place a great emphasis on Tina being injured and not on everyone laughing at her. I took out "her so called friends" because that makes it sound like she actually doesn’t have any friends at all. I also took out " bleeding from every part" because that over exaggerates her injuries and how can anyone be that badly injured from falling. I changed "fisherman" to "coaches" because in the first version she was flopping like a dead fish and coaches, shows sympathy and seriousness.

Paragraph 5- I took out "the Jewish girl from the Holocaust" because that's unnecessary information that adds laughter. I changed the sentence about her Velcro strap in the second version because I wanted the reader to feel sympathy for Anne being in a rush. I took out "wrap her like a mummy" because it only gives an image of laughter. I really tried to make sure the readers have sympathy for Tina.

Paragraph 6- There wasn't much do change in this paragraph. One thing I changed was "went down in history" to "unsung hero" because being a hero portrays Anne in a great way. I took out the dialogue and described it, to make it seem like a statement. I made sure to describe how Tina made a full recovery to make the reader sympathizes and evoke feeling for Tina. I made sure the reader knew that Anne helping Tina was a great thing to do because a message can be learned from the story.